In My Arms
by KSUnsungHero
Summary: He felt so lucky to be able to share the rest of his life with this woman and the child growing inside of her.
1. Cravings and Doubts

In My Arms

A/N: I don't own anything. FYI. You probably know that. This and other stories can be found on under the name Fearlessness. In case you get bored.

_In my arms  
Wish I could hold you forever  
In my arms  
I will give you shelter  
Still I know I can't always be there  
To protect you from this great big old world  
But I swear this much is true  
There'll always be a place for you...in my arms_

"I'm home, babe!" Elliot kicked the door shut with his foot and set his keys on the table by the door. He walked into the kitchen and freed his arms of the two bags he had been lugging around what seemed to be all of New York. He was startled when he felt her arms lace around his midsection.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. How was your day?" She unhooked her clasped hands and stepped back.

"Way to scare an old man. The house was so quiet; I thought maybe you'd stepped out. Didn't expect such a welcoming." He grinned, flashing her one of his famous Stabler grins. "And my day was fine. Let's talk about you, though. Or should I say you _two_". He lifted her shirt slightly and kissed her stomach over what he thought was the baby growing inside. It was roughly the size of a can of pop, he'd been told.

"Old man my abutt." She chuckled at her near slip of the tongue. Ever since they'd found out, they made a vow not to curse in front of the baby. So far, so good. They were both surprised it had lasted, though. "Oh, we're doing just fine. A little lonely today, daddy. We went to the corner market and got some grapefruit. That's about it. I tidied up a little." She pulled her shirt down and rummaged through the bags on the counter, looking for what she'd called and asked him to pick up. Her cravings were becoming more and more unusual as the weeks progressed. This week is was pickles and peanut butter. Who knows what next week would be? She couldn't believe eating such weird food combinations didn't make her even more sick than she already was. She was becoming concerned. She wanted a healthy baby and she wasn't helping things. If anything, she was inhibiting the baby's growth.

"Well, we'll just have to fix that." He pulled her into a hug. "No trips to the bathroom?" He eyed her, trying to gauge whether she would fib to him or not. He swatted her hand away from the second bag and reached into the bottom to pull out the jar for her.

"Nope. Well, maybe one….or four. Oh, and a couple this afternoon." She chewed on her lower lip and looked down at the floor. She knew she had nothing to be embarrassed about. She just hated that look in his eye. The one he gave her every time he asked that question and got the same response. She couldn't help that her morning sickness had become her 'all day, everyday' sickness.

"Nothing to be ashamed of, babe." He sighed. "I was hoping you'd get some relief. Maybe tomorrow, huh?" He kissed the top of her head and handed her the jar of peanut butter, which she readily took.

"I know. I just feel like such a wimp. I hate not being able to work. I can't go around the city with a barf bag. I'm going stir crazy here. I've already cleaned this place ten times and it's only Tuesday. I just want to be normal." She sighed heavily and set the jar back on the counter.

"I know you hate it. I hate seeing you like that. I know it's a part of being pregnant and I'm a selfish basmeanie for wanting you alongside me in the field but I do. I want you safe more than that, though. If it means you're here resting and being nourished and staying healthy then that's fine by me." He glanced over her but he couldn't tell whether she was still gaining weight or not. She had yet to grow into her new maternity shirts.

"Honey, saying the word bastard is not going to hurt our child. But, I think it's great you're still looking out for what you say with little, soon-to-be ears in the room." She'd been reading her books and she knew that the baby didn't have any real features yet but she still hated to expose it to anything. Gosh only knows what it would see when it came into the world. She knew they couldn't protect it forever but they sure could try. "I think that's what bothers me the most. I know it's silly but I feel so useless. I'm not even six months into my pregnancy and I'm on desk duty. Correction, I'm on house duty. I can't even lift a pen without getting nauseous." She saw Elliot raise his eyebrows when she started to unscrew the cap on the peanut butter.

"Nauseous, huh? Looks like you're feeling fine to me." He laughed and began putting away the rest of the groceries.

"Oh, hush. It's not so bad right now. It's like it comes out of nowhere, though. One moment I'll be enjoying a nice sandwich and the next I'll be praying to the porcelain god. I wish it would just go away." She sat on the bar stool and put the cap and jar down on the island.

"Hey, what's with the look?" He stared at her around the cabinet door before giving up the groceries for the time being. After seeing the look on her face, he thought they could wait. He leaned down and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. He wished he could make her feel better. He was growing concerned. Not just for her but for the baby as well. If she didn't start gaining weight and stop getting sick, certain measures would have to be taken. He didn't like the sound of that and had read up on it following the regularly scheduled doctor's visit.

"Just thinking. See what happens when I'm left to myself? I always did have an over-active imagination. What if it doesn't go away? I don't like needles." She glanced down at her arm and cringed. It already hurt and it hadn't even gotten to that point.

"You hate needles? You seem to do alright with me around. I know, it's my boyish charm, right?" He kissed the top of her head and gave her a gentle squeeze.

"Yeah, that must be it. Your boyish charm. I know it sounds weird but that doesn't bother me. It's the idea of having it in all the time. It just seems…permanent. It just seems like something's wrong. What if something is wrong and it's all my fault? Here I am complaining about not feeling well and our baby is growing inside of me. What if it's paying for my being sick and not taking care of myself? If something happens, it'll be all my fault. There was this one book that said…what book was it?" Her voice broke and so did her resolve. She no longer felt the confident parent she did in the beginning.

"Hey, that's enough of that. First of all, if you can't remember which book you read it in, that means you have too many books. Just do it the natural way. You don't need books, Liv. You just need this." He tapped his finger over her heart. "Liv, you're a great mother already. You eat regularly, you take your vitamins. You don't do anything to compromise your safety or the baby's. I know you and I know if it was in your power or control that you wouldn't be that sick. You heard the doctor. Some people just get more sick than others and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. I know it sucks and it doesn't make you a bad person to say that. It just means you're even more tired, cranky, and emotional, and at the end of the day you want someone to talk to. I can be that person. I'm a good listener. I have daughters, remember?" He gently massaged her shoulders, hoping to relieve some of her tension.

"I know you have daughters, El. How can I forget when they've been calling me every other day asking who can hold the baby first? And I know I shouldn't read the books but I'm scared. I've never had a baby. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's normal and what's not at this stage; or any stage for that matter. I love talking to you and you're right. I do need to vent. I know I get hormonal and sensitive and I bite your head off but I still love you. You know that, right?" She was still anxious he'd wake up one day and have a reason to leave her. She hated to admit it but she lived her days in constant fear that she was one blowup away from being alone. She felt like a horrible wife but she couldn't help it. She didn't have the greatest of childhoods and she had nothing to model her relationship after.

"I seem to remember you saying that at the altar. It's called 'til death do us part, Liv. I feel the same way. We've both been burned but at the end of the day, there's nowhere else I'd rather be with than you. I know you feel the same. You've put up with me for this long. Why not the long haul?" He laughed and felt her shoulders shake under his fingers. He peered around and saw that she was silently laughing.

"Thank you. I needed that." She took several deep breaths and shook her head. He always had been good at making her laugh through the tears.

"You don't have to thank me, honey. It's a part of being married to my lovely wife. Now, let's get you and the baby some food. You going to actually eat that or just stare at it?" He pointed to the jar that remained on the counter with the lid off.

"Oh, yeah. I can get it, though. You've had a long day." She started to get up before he pushed down gently on her shoulders, keeping her in place.

"Nope. I got this. You sit and think up some names. We can't keep calling our little one 'baby' or 'it'. I know it's a while away but I want to call our child something." He stepped around her and grabbed the bread. He couldn't see how she could stand to eat something so disgusting. Whatever his two favorite people wanted, they got. He loved his other kids but he was close to them in a different way. They'd always had each other and Kathy had moved on. Olivia had no one.

He always got teary-eyed when he thought of her life before their marriage. She'd missed out on so many firsts. When they started dating, he promised to take her wherever she wanted to go. Simple things like carousel rides and walks in the park were new to her. He had taken for granted that she did the things that couples normally did when going on dates. She never had a real dating experience and his heart went out to her. Now that they were expecting, he wanted her to be pampered. He'd make her twenty sandwiches a day if it meant she was happy. As he spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread, he glanced over at her and noticed she'd been starting at him. She looked so happy and his heart skipped a beat to know he'd caused that look. He felt so lucky to be able to share the rest of his life with this woman and the child growing inside of her.


	2. Memories

Elliot ran his hands through his wife's hair as the soft glow of the television lit the darkened living room of their shared space. They'd been house-hunting and it had worn them both out. Olivia had been a trooper, agreeing almost instantly to every one he wanted to see. He'd surprised her the previous night with a list of homes he'd been thinking would be perfect for their growing family. He remembered how her eyes lit up. She'd never had a real home, she'd said, and he wasn't sure if it was the hormones or her own troubled past that made her eyes grow misty. A soft snore brought him to the present and he stifled a laugh. She was lying on his lap and her face was pressed into the fabric of his shirt. He remembered the many nights they'd sat on the same couch and shared their deepest secrets. He usually shared more, but it didn't bother him. She wasn't much of a talker. She was getting better at voicing her emotions, though. Baby steps, he thought.

She'd been asleep for the remainder of the movie they'd bought. He promised her it would be good. Halfway through the first part of the movie, she'd settled against his side. Each time he glanced at her she'd changed positions until he'd finally shifted so she could lie down. A few moments later he was running his fingers through her dark locks, lulling her into a deep sleep. She needed it. The movie had long since been over, and she heard the television click off and the room went dark, startling her. She jumped and rolled off of the couch and onto the floor. The sound of her heart pounding in her chest tuned out the muffled cursing above her. She felt him brush by her as she turned to click on the lamp.

"Are you okay?" He kneeled down on the floor beside her, taking in her appearance. She was disoriented, trying to wake up. He'd noticed her sleeping lighter since she was pregnant. Maternal instinct, he thought.

"Well, I have to say, you're more comfortable than this shoe." She lifted her head and squinted at the running shoe that was half pushed under the couch. She pulled it all the way out and scooted it with her hand under the coffee table to put away later.

"Yeah, I imagine so. Come up here." He held his hands out and pulled her up by her arm as she stood up and backed up to the couch to sit down. He noticed a reddened area on the back of her arm where she'd hit the corner of the coffee table. It wasn't bleeding but it looked painful.

"Well, I'm awake now. Was the movie any good?" She crossed her legs on the couch and brought her arms around her. The lightweight tank top she had on made her chilly and she shivered. She was glad she could still sit this way on the couch. Before long, it would be impossible for her to pull off.

"Don't remember." He grinned, shyly, and put his arm around her, drawing her closer. He'd put the throw off the back of the couch into the wash after she'd gotten sick on it that morning. He'd wanted to put off the search for real estate but she'd insisted that she felt better.

"You watching me sleep again, El?" She caught him in the doorway of the crib a couple times and ever since he'd made a habit out of it. It was nearly his favorite thing to do. Nearly. Some things were a given. He shifted to find a comfortable position and hoped she didn't notice the effect his thought process was having on him.

"I like watching you sleep. You look…peaceful. When you're asleep it's like you're safe and no one can hurt you." He ran his hands up and down her arms to warm her up as she laid her head on his shoulder.

"Mmm…yeah. That's because you're near me. At the station I knew you were always close by because Cragen would order you to guard the door and let me sleep. When we were dating or when you were over for movies and dinner to discuss a case, I'd always end up falling asleep. I just remember thinking that as long as you were there, I could close my eyes and it would be okay. That sounds corny, doesn't it?" She uncrossed her legs and put her hand between her thighs. She was freezing but she didn't want to move. She loved moments where they just sat and talked. She was starting to nod off again and she wanted to stay there as long as possible.

"Nor corny. It's cute. I like that you feel safe when I'm here. To tell you the truth, Cragen didn't order me to guard the door. I kind of conveniently always had paperwork to do and kept an eye out. If anyone even went in the direction of where you were sleeping…let's just say we had an understanding." The first time Fin had gone in there looking for Olivia to ask about a case, he'd gotten so angry. Fin had just stood there mutely as Elliot ranted and raved about letting her sleep because 'she hardly gets any as it is at her place and here you go waking her up'. He recalled how bloodshot her eyes had been, having only gotten a half hour in. From then on, they'd have to go through him first.

"Ever the protector. You like the one with the swing set?" She noticed the housing list spread out on the table.

"You can be so random. It's a good thing I'm tuned into what you're talking about most of the time or I'd be lost. Yeah, I like the one with the swing set. It's in good condition and the owners don't want to take it with them. It's safe." He loved the house. It had hardwood floors, a bay window with a seat and storage, and so much more. They both fell in love with it. Her comment about the swing set put his mind into motion. They both silently were agreeing they wanted it.

"We need a baby swing. Can we pick one up tomorrow?" She felt a chill go through her again and rubbed her hands together.

"Yeah. Yeah, we can. You know, when the girls were younger we'd go down to the park and swing. When they were a little older they'd sit in my lap but after a while they wanted to be independent and do it by themselves but when they were babies I'd hold them. Kathy was so afraid I'd drop them but they looked so content. I hate those artificial swings. Nothing compares to holding your baby in your arms in the fresh air. I did that with all my girls. Dickie always fell asleep on the way there but with the girls the swing set always worked like a charm." He smiled at the memory and the idea that he'd be able to do the same soon with their child. He wished they had a name for the baby-to-be. Olivia wanted him to sit down with her and go over them. She'd thought of some but she wanted his input. Whatever made her happy, he'd be fine with. He'd had four chances to pick out names already. This was her experience.

"You're a great father. There should be more dads like you out there." She thought about her childhood and the hidden memories she'd never let escape her troubled mind. She thought they would scare Elliot off. Little by little she was growing more content and less frightened of him leaving. He was giving her the space and time she needed when she got in moods where she'd think about everything she'd gone through. She was at the point where she could begin to heal and he'd be there to hold her. She'd never had anyone to confide in. She had Casey, but the love of your husband was different.

"I'm sorry, honey." He took off his sweatshirt and pulled it over her head before helping her get her arms through it. He thought it fit her perfectly. Just big enough to be incredibly sexy and the way it hung on her frame took his breath away. He wasn't a big guy by any means and it was never baggy enough to look awkward. He loved seeing her wearing his shirts.

"It's okay. Sorry to put a damper on things. I like hearing about your kids. I'm glad you're close to them." She crossed her arms and snuggled closer to him the couch.

"I'm just sorry you didn't have someone like that in your life. I wish I was there when you were growing up. You would have never been alone. I wish I could take away your pain." He felt a pang in his chest every time he thought that even for a moment she had been hurt. Each moment all added up equaled more than he cared to think about. What hells had she gone through? He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"I would have liked that. It wasn't always bad. There was this one. He lasted a couple weeks before my mom said he wasn't good enough for her. The problem was that he was too good. She couldn't have that. As hard as she tried and as much as she wanted to find happiness she never let herself get to that point. I think she was happy once I moved out and we were on better terms." She nodded as if trying to get herself to believe what she was saying. She'd had this crazy notion that things were better. Her mother never wanted her to leave. She'd come and gone throughout her teenage years. She'd stay out, walking the streets so she wouldn't have to come home. When she did come home she'd go straight to her room. The day she packed up what little she owned and walked out was the day she started telling herself that things had changed. It was the only way she could live with what she had to go through all of her life.

"What about you, Liv? Were you ever happy?" The thought of her trying to build up some fantasy in her head made his heart break. She wasn't on the best of terms with her mother. They talked just enough to appear to be mother and daughter to the lay person. Deep down, he knew that she longed for what she thought might happen once she moved. He longed for it, too. He wanted Olivia and her mother to talk and to tell each other that they were there if they were ever needed. That hadn't happened, though, and Olivia had been so alone. Her mother's death seemed to solidify that. He had become more determined to be a part of her life in any way he could.

"Two weeks." She closed her eyes, giving up on the conversation she wasn't sure she wanted to have. She'd always heard that people spoke more when it was dark and quiet. For some reason, she felt no inhibitions as she spoke to Elliot. Part of that was due to the support he'd always offered her and part was also due to the times she felt so lost and wounded that the words would come out, unchecked.

"I'm glad you had that much." He kissed her forehead and gently picked her up. He'd heard her breathing evening out and he knew she was falling asleep once again. He walked down the hall into the bedroom and deposited her carefully onto the bed. He grabbed the blanket that had been kicked off the night before and placed it over her. He watched her sleep, protecting her. He couldn't protect her from her past but he could keep her safe as she confessed all that had hurt her before she knew him. God how he wished he could go back in time. He would in a heartbeat. He saw her reach for his hand and he grabbed it, letting her know he was there. He toed off his shoes and slipped into bed. He closed his eyes and felt her close the gap as he turned and wrapped his arms in a protective embrace around her midsection. He nuzzled his face into her hair and let her breathing lull him to sleep as images of her childhood danced around his head.


	3. Nausea

Elliot awoke to the blaring of the alarm in his ear. He groaned and squinted through hazy eyes at the digital reading. Six-thirty. It had been a great weekend and he hated having to go to work. He missed looking over at her across the threshold of their desks. He didn't know how many times he'd gone to ask Olivia something, forgetting she was at home. He was growing concerned about her vomiting and seeing she wasn't in bed beside him only made him more worried. He knew where she was. He tip-toed to the bathroom, not wanting to startle her. The sounds he heard as he approached the door confirmed his suspicions. He opened the door all the way and stepped inside. He lowered himself to his knees and whispered in her ear, asking if she was okay.

Olivia nodded. It was all she could do between heaves. Her stomach muscles were painful due to the continuous retching and she didn't know how much longer she could put up with the motions of the pregnancy. It was still in the early stages and she was exhausted. She felt guilty for even thinking such things. She was blessed to be pregnant with Elliot's child, but there were days when she was so tired of feeling so badly. She gave up hoping a long time ago it would get better. She now was along for the ride. She rested her head on the lid of the seat, breathing heavily.

"Do you think you're done?" He waited a few seconds to let her catch her breath and when she didn't move he took the silence as the go-ahead. He stood up and gently grabbed her by the sides and eased her up off of the cold floor. He turned on the water and grabbed a wash cloth from the towel bar. He saw her moving to the bedroom and rung out the cloth, getting the excess water out. When he got to the bedroom, he saw she was lying on her side, clutching her stomach. His morning routine was all forgotten. Screw work; he needed to make sure she was okay first. He ran the washcloth over her face and used the blanket to dry it off as he placed the cloth on the bedside table. He didn't want to have to leave her side. He lay down like the previous night and kissed her cheek.

"I don't know how long I can do this." The words were thick and full of emotion and carried no further than her husband's ears. She closed her eyes and felt his hand move to her stomach. She could feel his fingers going in circles. She winced when she adjusted positions. The hands stilled.

"What? What is it?" He froze when he felt her grow tense.

"I just moved the wrong way. My muscles are sore." She wiped at her eyes and took a few calming breaths.

"Your stomach or the baby?" He had to make sure everything was okay. He had to be calm for her even though in the back of his mind he felt a pang of fear.

"Stomach. I haven't been this sore since freshman gym class." Her voice grew stronger and she felt his hands behind her back as she sat up.

"I bet." He looked at the clock and bit his lip. She would want him to go in. The baby was fine and she would probably be sick again throughout the day but it was the norm. He still hated that she had to go through it alone.

"Honey, get ready for work. I'll be fine. I always am." She gave him a small smile and patted his back before kissing him on the lips. She kissed him again and hugged him briefly before letting go so he could shower.

"I hate that you _always_ are. I want to take some time off. We need to get this checked out." He studied her face and saw she was nervous.

"I know. I'm scared to, though. It's barely been four months, Elliot. What am I going to do for the remainder? I don't want them putting _things_ in me. I don't want to hurt the baby." She hadn't been taking any over-the-counter medications. She knew she wasn't allowed to so she couldn't understand how anything the doctors could give her would not harm the baby.

"I know you're scared. They said this may happen. It's not too common, but it happens. We'll get through this. The baby is fine and will be fine. Let's get it checked out and whatever they say we go with. They know best. I want you strong and healthy. Okay?" He tipped her chin up and he saw her mind working. She nodded.

"I'll make an appointment today. I'll call you if you want to come. I can't even think about food right now but maybe we can meet for lunch afterward.

"Rain, sleet, snow, I'll be there." He grinned and went to his dresser.

"Honey, you sound like the Postal Service." She chuckled and went to the bathroom to turn the shower on. It was the least she could do for making him late.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

He arrived within minutes of her name being called to go into the room. He sat beside her as she fidgeted in her seat numerous times. If he couldn't take her anxiety away, the least he could do was make her more relaxed. It made sense in his mind, at least. He told her to lean forward and started to massage her back. Her head hung forward and he heard her let out a sigh.

"I just want this to be over. I hate this waiting. Why do they give you a damn time for an appointment if they aren't going to let you go in? I've been waiting in this room for twenty minutes!" She rested her forearms on her knees and held her head in her hands.

"I know. You know how these places are. If you were in there, wouldn't you want them to take their time? Answer any questions you had? Just a little longer, Liv." He stopped for a moment when he saw the nurse at the door.

"Finally!" She threw up her hands and walked with a purpose. Halfway to the door, she slowed her pace. She wasn't quite ready to face it alone. She looked back, sheepishly and met his knowing eyes. All the strength she needed was in those orbs. She reached behind her and felt him take her hand.

"Miss Benson, how are we doing today?" The nurse smiled warmly, motioning with her clipboard to Olivia's growing stomach.

"Fine." She muttered choice words under her breath. She didn't want retribution to come in the form of pain. She didn't want to cross the nurses. It wasn't how they worked, she knew, but she was already anxious and making the nurses mad, she thought, couldn't be a good thing. She offered a weak grin and followed the nurse down the hall and into the room. After receiving instructions to put on the gown, the nurse told her the doctor would be in briefly and left, shutting the door.

"It'll be okay, you know." He pulled up the plastic chair and put his hand on her knee. She dangled her feet over the edge of the table. If his mind had been in a certain place, he would have blushed at the sight of her all too short gown.

"I know. It's all so new to me. Why can't it be by the book? I mean, does everything have to be so…so complicated?" She shrugged her shoulders.

"Let's face it, Liv, nothing is 'by the book'". He did air quotes as he spoke.

"I know. Believe me, I know. I've had a lifetime of experiences to know that. I just thought it wouldn't be too much to ask for just this once.

"Well, you have me this time and I say it'll be okay. We'll get through this together." He patted her knee and grabbed the hand that was resting on the table beside her, giving it a firm squeeze. Within moments of them sitting in the silent room, the doctor entered.

"Miss Benson, Mr…Stabler. Forgive me for not keeping up with your information. It's been a long day. Not to worry, though, you have my undivided attention and I assure you we'll nip this thing in the bud." He pulled his white coat back and sat down on the stool before rolling forward to be closer to the table. He wrote a few notes on his clipboard, thought a moment, then set it down beside him.

"Thank you for seeing us so soon. I know her appointment is in a couple weeks." He saw Olivia was not in the mood to talk and thought he'd better step in.

"Not a problem. I'm glad you called me. While this is fairly uncommon, it does happen from time to time. Hyperemesis Gravidarum, or severe morning sickness, happens most often in multiple births. I assure you, there is no mistake, though. You are only having one child, Miss Benson." He saw the panicked look on her face and reassured her before continuing.

"Most patients, I like to give it a few weeks and try different methods of re-hydrating and nourishing but in your case I don't think that would be effective. That usually works in patients that have a few bouts of sickness a day. Yours is rather severe, which leads me to think it isn't going to get any better without assistance. I'm going to set up a picc line through which we can administer anti-nausea medication as well as keep you hydrated since you can't afford to be malnourished. I'll have the nurse show you and your husband how to change the dressing and keep the line clean to prevent infection." He saw her grow pale and stopped, letting her absorb all he'd told her.

"Wow. So, this is it." She ran a hand through her hair and let out a long breath of air. The idea of having the IV in 24 hours a day scared her. She had to think of her baby, though.

"Yes, I'm afraid it is. Let's get it all set up. I'll get the line in, the nurse will go over some additional information as I discussed just now, and we'll keep your appointment in two weeks. I'd like to monitor you closely. We don't want you _losing_ weight. You need to put on some more weight, Miss Benson, and I think this will do the trick." He leaned over and jotted some more notes on the clipboard before signaling that he would be right back. As promised, he returned moments later with the nurse in tow.

Elliot sat there, taking everything in. He knew Olivia had to be concerned. Hell, he was scared for her but they both knew it had to be done. He squeezed her hand, reassuringly, and stepped back to let the nurse and doctor work.

Olivia winced as the needle went in. She had an idea of what was involved but nothing prepared her for what took place in a matter of moments. She stared down at her arm in horror. The line went into her arm and was secured by small, black stitches. Gauze surrounded the line, holding it into place. It would also ensure that any jostling wouldn't displace the line. She cringed. She didn't want to know what _that_ felt like. The whole contraption was bigger than she'd imagined and looked almost grotesque on her small arm. She turned away as the nurse applied the last strip of tape.

Elliot grabbed her hand once again as the nurse left, leaving the three of them in the room. It had been in a daze that he'd watched them do their work. Olivia was a trooper, he thought, never once emitting as much as a squeak. He was so proud of her. He saw her nod and realized he'd missed whatever the doctor had said before leaving the room. He frowned, staring at her with an inquisitive expression.

"He wanted to know if we understood everything. I answered for you. Will you look at this…mess?" She made a sweeping motion with her hand and shook her head. She got off the table and shook her hand a little to let Elliot know she needed it for what she was about to do. She turned slightly and let the gown fall down before stepping out of it.

Elliot reached over and grabbed her shirt from the unoccupied chair in the corner. He helped her hold it over her head and slide it down, not wanting it to touch her line. He didn't want to hurt her. He handed her pants to her and stood back as she slipped them on before reaching down to untie her shoes. If her arm was bothering her, she made no indication. He waited as she tied her shoes and lead her out of the room. She grabbed a bag off the table before she left.

"The nurse said it has to be changed in a week. Looks like you have to play doctor. I hope you're not squeamish." She recalled what the nurse had said as she was stitching her up. If she could do it herself, she would, but Elliot would be needed to help her clean the line. In the bag were a mask, iodine, tape, and gauze. It seemed so surreal any of it would be used for any purpose other than a hospital.

"Anything for you. Did they put anything in there? I couldn't see. I didn't want to be in the way." He not once looked up from her face as they put the line in.

"Yes. They said a nurse could stop by and give the medication." She shrugged and stood at the counter to pay.

"Ah…okay. Let's hope it works. I'd rather not risk it for today. Let's do lunch some other time and I'll fix some soup when we get home." He watched the receptionist hand Olivia the receipt and paperwork and gently placed a hand on her back.

"Sounds good to me. I'm drained." She stepped out of the doors and into the sun.

"I bet. Let's get you home, then. Cap gave me the rest of the day off. I have plenty of vacation time to use. He gave me the rest of the week off, actually. So, I'll be here while you get adjusted to everything." He dug into his pockets for his keys and went around to unlock her door before doing the same to his side of the car. They rode in silence on the way home, both having plenty on their minds to keep them occupied for the time being.


	4. Lies

Elliot was broken from his reverie by the two distant voices that were approaching his desk. He shook his head and tried to focus on the task at hand. He took a bite of his sandwich and made a face. It was going on one o'clock in the afternoon and the mayo had gone bad. He wrapped it up and tossed it in the trash before picking up the phone.

"Hey, you." The voice on the line made his heart leap. The fact that he still got giddy when talking to her even for a moment or two proved just how bad he had it. Yep, he was a goner.

"How'd you know it was me? It could have been someone else, Liv." She'd been cooped up all day and he knew she was probably itching to get out.

"And who else is going to call at the same time every day? Remind me again." She pulled on her tennis shoes and laced them up while cradling the phone between her shoulder and ear.

"Right. Good call. I was wondering if you could squeeze me in. With your tight schedule, and all, I was hoping we could grab some lunch." It wouldn't take much convincing to get her out of the apartment.

"Hmm…I just don't know. I could spare a few moments. I've got John and Fin before you, though, so make it fast." She teased him lightly, loving the hesitation before he spoke again.

"Very funny. What do they have that I don't?" He tapped his pen lightly on the pad of paper until a hand came into his view to pluck it from his grasp. He looked up and glared at one of the men who was taking up time he could be spending with his wife.

"Aww…don't be jealous, sweetie. They called me earlier to see if they could take me out." She pocketed her keys and walked down the hall while mentally checking that she had everything.

"I'm not jealous. Okay, maybe a little. I miss you already. I know we've been apart but I got used to the time together last week. Now I have to share you with the guys and a nurse. I just want you to myself." He grew red when he noticed John and Fin weren't bothering to hide their amusement.

"I'd take the guys over the nurse any day. I hate this thing. I don't even want to look at it. Before you clean it, knock me out." She growled, pushing the sleeve of her arm over the line. She still couldn't believe it had gotten that bad.

"I know you do, honey. I remember her saying that some women don't need it the whole time. Sometimes it goes away on its own. Maybe that will be the case with you." He turned serious, frowning at the thought of something happening to her or the baby. The baby. They really had to come up with a name. Maybe over lunch, he thought.

"I hope so. I know it's for the best, either way. I just want our child to be healthy. I guess if I have to put up with it for a while, then so be it. I don't want to go back and get the book, but I really think we need to pick out a name." She hailed a taxi and covered the mouthpiece while she gave directions.

"I was thinking that, too. We'll come up with something. When do you think you'll be here?" He could hear traffic, although it was muffled. She must be on her way.

"Shouldn't be more than fifteen minutes. Got a hot date, Detective Stabler?" She could detect seriousness in his voice all the sudden and she wondered what was bothering him. He'd been overly protective and she chalked it up to her needing a permanent IV throughout her pregnancy.

"Just with my lovely wife and my baby. The guys just said they'd forfeit their chance to see you so I could go to lunch with you. Isn't that nice of them, Liv?" He smirked around the phone at his ear and dodged a paper ball thrown in his direction.

"Tell them I'll stop by afterward and say hi. It'll be good to see them again. I need to give Cap an update as to when I'm coming back. Now that I'm feeling better, I don't see any harm in returning to light duty." She tried to remember the times she'd seen any female detectives going through the motions of pregnancy. She wasn't sure how the department handled cases such as hers.

"Want me to ask him to stick around? That way you won't have to wait around for him?" He hated the idea of her being out on the street but over the past few months, she'd taken on the role of the soon-to-be-mother with open arms. She wouldn't let anything happen.

"Sure, if he wants. And if there's anything else I need to fill out that I didn't last time, could you put it on my desk? I'll take care of it when I stop by to see the guys." She'd filled out form after form, initialing and dating until her hand cramped. She had no idea where it call came from.

"Will do. Oh, before I forget, you have a message. It came in last week sometime. The guys said it didn't sound important so they didn't bother calling us at home. I left it under your phone. In about five minutes I won't remember it's there so I thought I'd tell you now. You know how my memory is." He knew he'd just opened himself up, and waited for her response.

"First thing to go, old man." She knew he was smiling, even if she couldn't see him.

"Hey, who you callin' an old man?" He flipped Fin the bird when he saw him laughing.

"You, baby. But you're my old man." She chuckled. They weren't that far apart but she still had to reassure him. She never got tired of it.

"Better believe it. How far are you now?" He closed the file folder and stood up, stretching.

"Not far. Traffic isn't bad today. Should be there earlier than I thought. Meet you outside? We'll take your car." She ran a hand through her hair and raised in her seat to see her reflection in the cab's rearview mirror. She didn't have to impress her husband, but she still wanted to look good. Her figure was less than becoming lately, but it was a part of life she was learning to deal with.

"Yeah. I'll see you in a few, kay?" He stuck his wallet in his pocket and heard her agree before disconnecting. With a quick wave, he was out the door.

Xxx

"What'd he do, ditch you, Liv?" Munch smiled upon seeing her enter the squad room.

"He's parking the car. Like a true gentlemen, he dropped me off at the door." She pulled a pen out of her cup holder and sat down.

"See Fin, now that's what real partners do for each other. Why don't you ever do that for me?" He saw Fin roll his eyes.

"Yeah, well I ain't marryin' your punk ass so you better get used to walkin'." Fin cringed as Elliot picked that moment to enter.

"Watch your language around my wife and baby." He kissed Olivia on the cheek and sat down on the corner of his desk so that he was facing her.

"Isn't like she hasn't heard worse. You decide on a name yet?" He'd seen Olivia pick up a phone. She was filling out status change forms but he had a feeling it wasn't the paperwork that brought the look to her face. He frowned as she put down the receiver with shaking hands.

"A few names we're tossing around. And it doesn't matter what she's heard. Point is she's my wife and that's my baby in there and I'll decide what they he." He stopped mid-sentence and followed Fin's gaze to his wife. In two steps, he was at her side.

"The message from last week was from a law firm specializing in family law. He said he came across something he needed my help in sorting out. I have to meet with him in a half hour." She stood, forgetting the papers in front of her.

"Did he say what that something was, Liv?" John made his way over to her and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"He said he was confused, that my name isn't anywhere on the documentation and that no one knew I existed. How the hell can that be?" She stared off into space, lost in thought.

"Now I'm confused. What documentation?" Fin stood back, giving her space.

"My mother." With that, she walked out of the room, leaving them to scratch their heads.

xxx

Olivia let the words sink in. As soon as she heard the lawyer mention," no surviving family members", she'd blocked out the rest. She'd heard it loud and clear, but she didn't have to believe it.

"How could she do that? Her own flesh and blood!" She jerked her arm free of his grasp and slammed the car door shut.

"Olivia, don't be this way. Come on." He watched her run up the steps and swore under his breath before parking the car. It didn't take him long to catch up to her.

"Go back to work, Elliot. I'm fine." She remembered thinking once that they rarely used each other's first names anymore. Usually it was when emotions were high.

"I'm not leaving you like this. Not after what just happened in that office. Now just calm down and we'll talk about this." He let her enter before him and shut the door behind him before sitting next to her on the couch.

"Talk about what? How my whole existence is a lie? How about how the one person I thought I knew didn't even want me? Do you know how that feels? It hurts, okay? So, forgive me if I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to even think about it!" She started sobbing and fought his attempts of comfort.

"Oh, Liv. I don't know what's going on we'll get to the bottom of it." He brushed aside a strand of damp hair and let out a sigh of relief when she didn't turn away.

"I just…you know I had this image of my mom when I was younger. I held onto that image of her my entire life. I saw it the day she died. She…" The words were cut off by a gut-wrenching sob that came from the depths of her soul. It blocked her throat painfully.

"She what, Liv?" He urged her to continue, knowing it was good for her to get it all out. He braced himself for what she would say. She took several deep breaths before she could choke out the words.

"Sh…she said once that she loved me. She gave me a hug and she said she was sorry. At the time I didn't know what she was sorry for. I thought I deserved everything I got. Maybe I did. It's just…over the years I saw that picture in my head and I imagined those to be her last words. Now I find out that she kept me a secret and I want a re-do. I want a new ending because damnit, it's not fair. All I ever wanted was for her to love me and I kept waiting for the day where she would. That day came and went and I just went to this fantasy world where all abused children go. After every so-called accident, I'd tell myself that I loved her in spite of it all. Regardless of whether she said it, that's what I told myself. And do you know why? Because I thought she'd say it in return. Because if my own mother didn't love me, then who would? And each and every time she turned away from me I loved her a little more, hoping that the next time would turn out differently. I can understand why she didn't like me, but why didn't she love me? Why did she do it? Why did she lie about me? What's wrong with me?" She turned to him and buried her face into his shirt as she clutched onto him with all the strength she had left in her body.

"I'll love you, Liv. I love you with all my heart and with every ounce of my being. I can't sit here and tell you I know what it's like to be in that situation but I can tell you that she was sick, honey. She was an alcoholic and I'm not defending her but when people are sick they say and do horrible things. I don't know why she lied but I can tell you this. There's not a thing wrong with you and don't you EVER think for a second that there is. God, Liv. I see this strong, beautiful mother of my child and it breaks my heart to see you hurting. I want to make it all go away, but I can't. Tell me what I can do. Please, because it's killing me to see you like this." He placed her head on his shoulder and ran his hand through her hair, smoothing the auburn locks.

"I don't know. I can't see or feel beyond what I'm feeling right now. It hurts so bad." She tightened her hold on him, wanting to never be let go of again.

"I know." It was all he could say and hold her was all he could do. He slid back on the couch and lay down, bringing her down onto his chest. He whispered soothing words into her ear.

"Elliot?" Guilt washed over her for what she'd just done.

"Mm..hmm?" He slipped his right hand under her shirt and stroked her back.

"I'm sorry I cursed. Do you think the baby heard me?" She closed her eyes, letting his fingers relax her for the first time since they'd eaten lunch.

"It's okay, honey. I think maybe so, but I'll bet he was doing some of his own." It was the first time he'd given a sex to their baby. He wanted another little boy. He thought she'd started crying again when he felt her shaking under his fingers. He cocked his head around and saw she was smiling. He, too closed his eyes. He wouldn't sleep, though. He had too much to think about. He'd told the guys if he didn't return that he was taking the rest of the day off. They seemed to know she would need him. She needed him then more than ever. He cursed Serena Benson and the horrible injustice that she bestowed upon her daughter.

"El?" She whispered her throat raw from crying.

"Yeah, Liv?" He kissed the top of her head.

"I like the name Zane." She turned her head so he could hear her.

"What's it mean?" It wasn't one of the boy's names they'd gone over but he had a feeling she'd been sitting on that particular one.

"Beloved." She let herself succumb to drowsiness, but as she was going, she caught his reply. She smiled in her sleep.

"Then I like it too." He pulled her shirt down and adjusted her arm so that he wouldn't bump the line. He thought about the name she'd thought up. It was fitting. Their little boy would be loved, just like his momma.


	5. Moving

Elliot heaved the last box onto the kitchen counter. It had held all of their dishes and was heavier than he'd thought. He nearly threw his back out bringing it up the steps. He looked around the room and smiled. It was theirs, finally. He left the box and went in search of Olivia. He found her sitting in the living room, in the middle of a cardboard fortress. He sat beside her and took her hand in his.

"Hey. You going to unpack any of those?" He grinned and nudged her lightly and began rifling through the first box he came to. It had all of his stereo equipment in it. He shoved it to the side so she wouldn't have to deal with it.

"Yeah. I just can't believe it's ours. I've never had a house before. I never dreamed it would be this nice. I mean, we looked at this one before but when it's your own, you love it so much more. Just like a child." She patted her growing stomach.

"I'm glad you like it. It's better than the one Kathy and I had. That one always had problems, I think. I guess it's just as well I was never home. Then I'd have to be Mr. Fix-It." He chuckled and took in the surroundings. Of all the things he loved about the new home, one of his favorites was the window. He already had a mental image of his wife and child sitting there, looking out at the falling snow or a rainbow. He couldn't wait for that image to become a reality.

"Mr. Fix-It, huh? Somehow, I can't see you doing any of that. Speaking of, I thought we could look at a swing set. If you don't mind. Nothing fancy. Think you're up for that, Mr. Villa?" She hooked her arm around his and laid her head on his shoulder.

"He's old. I'm not that old, Liv. Sure, we can look, and I'll remember you saying 'nothing fancy' when I'm sitting there with twenty pages of notes in eight different languages." He pulled a box toward him and looked inside. More of his electronics. He felt bad for having so much. Olivia's things compared to his were hardly anything. After the wedding, they had gotten plenty of things to call theirs. He still felt as if she was lacking, though. She was such a simple person. She was content in his presence, she would always say. Now that they were expecting a boy, he was content as well. He was a little disappointed Olivia wasn't getting a little girl. Someday, he thought. Right now, they still needed to come up with a middle name. He caught her staring at him funny and he realized his mind had wandered again.

"Right now I just want one where we can hook up a baby swing. That's all I ask, and I'm pretty sure any of them we find will have that capability. And it has to be safe." She began rattling off things in her head that she needed to pick up.

"I think that can be done. Can you believe it? Three more months, Liv." He wasn't sure who was glowing more. It was as if he, himself, was pregnant.

"I know. It's going to sneak up on us. All the more reason we need to get these unpacked so we can see what we need to buy. I can't believe I don't have more than I do." She blew a strand of hair out of her face before tucking it behind her right ear.

"Little by little, we'll get it all. First, we need to paint and get the crib. Everything else can come here and there." He wouldn't dare say it out loud, but he wanted to plan for the unexpected. Just in case the baby came early, he wanted to have a place for it to sleep. With their track record, it was entirely possible. The stress from the news of Olivia's mother wasn't helping things. They'd been going around-and-around with her mother's lawyers for over a month. They would come home from work and immediately start sifting through stacks of paperwork. It was unbelievable that Olivia's name wasn't anywhere to be found. It was the kind of shock to her fragile system Olivia didn't need. Once they got moved, he promised her he'd take her out to eat.

"What time are the movers coming with the furniture?" She hated the thought of sleeping on the floor. As she grew bigger, she got more and more uncomfortable. She found it hard to find a good sleeping position. She'd jostled her line a few times, waking them up both up in the worst way possible. Elliot would get a smack in the face as Olivia tried to calm her breathing down. It sickened her when she had to look at the IV line. Her nausea had gone away, but the line was starting to burn. She wondered if she'd hit it one too many times. Unknowingly, she began smoothing the medical tape down over the line.

"Is it bothering you again? Did you tell the nurse that when she was over yesterday?" He gently swatted her hand away and picked up her arm to inspect it. The area surrounding the IV was reddish in color. No wonder it was bothering her. He moved her arm onto his lap and held her hand.

"I forgot. I have her number in one of those boxes. I'll ask her tomorrow what to do. I hope they don't have to change it out." She groaned at the thought of having to go through the initial procedure again.

"I have her card in my wallet. I'll call first thing in the morning, that way we won't have to wait until Monday." He pulled out his wallet and got the card out before putting both on the end table.

"Thanks, honey." She squeezed his hand and let him help her up.

"Anything for you." He pulled away her hair so he could kiss the side of her neck.

"I have something to tell you. Don't freak." She turned around to face him.

"Oookay." He took in her serious expression and was immediately filled with concern.

"It's not bad, I don't think. I'm not really sure, but when the nurse was over we were kind of talking and with the house and work and the thing with my mom she mentioned that I should watch out for signs that the baby may be in danger. She said to make sure that I have an outlet for stress and to not let it build. I don't want to put our child in danger. I set up an appointment next week. I want to make sure everything is okay. It's not for another week but the receptionist was able to change it to sooner. It may seem silly, but I don't want to take any chances. I just want to make sure everything is okay." She grabbed his hands and held them firmly in hers as she searched his eyes for any signs of anger.

"You thought I would freak? Honey, I think that's great you're going in. What I hate is that you need to go in the first place. We need to work something out here. You need to let me know when something is up. Liv, I'm a guy. I have three daughters and an ex-wife, but I still can't read your guys' minds. Please tell me if something is bothering you so we can work it out?" He wasn't sure if he was asking or suggesting that's what she should do.

"I will. I know you wouldn't be mad, I just didn't want you to think I was being reckless. I bought a few books and some CD's I think will help me relax. Oh, and I'll have you." She grinned and winked.

"Now, that, I like. Seriously, thank you for taking the initiative here. I know you're not reckless. You're the most un-selfish person I know. Our baby is in good, capable hands." He let go of her hands and wrapped his arms around her midsection.

"Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that." She blinked away a tear and kissed him gently on the lips before pulling out of his embrace.

"Is that a happy tear?" He waited what seemed like eons before she simply nodded and went back to her boxes.


	6. Missing Elliot

Olivia hissed as the nurse inspected the line. She looked away at the brightly-colored nursery. It still smelled of fresh paint, no matter how many candles she lit. She gazed up at the cloud-filled ceiling and smiled. She hoped the baby would be equally happy when it looked up. A sharp pain brought her to the present.

"Well, it's definitely infected. I thought we caught it last time this happened. Is it hurting you?" The nurse put away her supplies and zipped up her bag.

"What? Oh, my stomach has been acting funny all day. I'm sure it's something I ate last night." She rubbed her stomach and the pain subsided.

"Funny how? Is it a sharp pain or is it a dull ache?" She perked up upon the mention of anything being wrong with her patient.

"Sharp. Why? Is something the matter?" She looked the nurse in the eye, trying to detect what might be going on.

"Are you due for an appointment soon, Olivia?" The nurse studied Olivia's posture. The younger woman was tense and on edge.

"Not for another two weeks. Why? Please, just tell me. I know you think something is up." She grew concerned with the nurse's question.

"Well, I think you should see if you can get it sooner, just to be safe. You shouldn't be cramping this early." She studied Olivia's growing belly. The baby hadn't dropped.

"Wh…why? I just had an appointment last month. They said everything was fine. I mean, I've been doing everything they told me to do." Suddenly, she doubled over with pain. She bit her lower lip. Throughout the day, the cramping had gotten worse and if the nurse hadn't shown up, she would have called for advice.

"You shouldn't be experiencing any cramping, Olivia. That's the bottom line. Why don't you get your things ready? I'm going to take you to the hospital." She saw Olivia's eyes grow wide and patted her hand, reassuringly.

"The ho…I thought you meant my primary physician. Okay. Uh…okay. Let me get my shoes." She raced around the living room and found her tennis shoes tucked under the couch where she'd kicked them the previous night.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm sure everything is fine. Just relax." The nurse smiled, hoping to calm the younger woman.

"Yeah, relax. Okay, I can relax. I'm relaxed. Uh…I think I'm ready." She let the nurse lead the way. It was clear she wasn't going to be allowed to drive. She pulled out her cell phone and called Elliot's desk phone. After letting it ring several times, she hung up, deciding to call Elliot's cell phone instead. It went straight to voicemail.

The drive to the hospital was quiet, save for a quick call to the hospital. Olivia was preoccupied with wondering what was going on with the baby and wishing Elliot was there to help her through it. Whatever it was. She tried his cell phone one more time before hanging up. She slowly got out of the car when they pulled up to the entrance of the Emergency Room.

"Why don't you go inside while I park the car? I told them you were coming. Go up to the window and tell them you're here for a non-stress test. They'll ask you to fill out some information. I'll be right in, Olivia." She gave Olivia's arm a brief squeeze before shutting the door.

A half hour later, Olivia was hooked up to a monitor and was resting on her side on the hospital bed. Her mind raced. She looked over at the monitor, wondering what she was seeing.

"Ms. Benson. I apologize for keeping you waiting. I see they've got you all hooked up. Let's take a look." The doctor glanced from the printout to the monitor and nodded.

"What? What does it mean?" She sat up on the bed and craned her neck to see what the doctor was looking at.

"I'm not sure how much you were told, so I'll start from the beginning. I see that you are a new mother. I know you're overwhelmed right now, so I'll try to be as clear as possible. First off, is there anyone you want me to call for you?" He pulled up a stool by the monitor and faced Olivia.

"I tried calling my husband but I wasn't able to get a hold of him. We work at the same place. I thought he would notice I wasn't in yet." She hated the fact that he wasn't there.

"Once we're done here, I'll give his number to the nurse's station and we'll give him a call for you." He ripped off the printout and laid it flat on the bed.

"Okay. Thank you. Please tell me what's going on." She struggled to comprehend what the information meant on the little piece of paper.

"The nurse filled me in while you were changing. I understand you have a stressful job but even when you aren't actively working cases, you are still prone to stress. I'm going to give you some instructions to give to your commanding officer. I think, at this point, it would be best for you to stay home. Take time out for yourself. Read a book, listen to some music, prop your feet up and take a nap. Anything but work. I'm sure you're wondering why you're hooked up to this machine." He took a breath, allowing the information to register.

"Quite frankly, it's scaring the hell out of me. No one has told me anything. I had no idea it was this bad. Is it bad?" She was reeling from the news of having to stay home. She felt like a failure as a mother. She couldn't live with herself if she'd caused any harm to her baby. Their baby. She missed Elliot.

"I understand your fear. Let me walk you through what we're doing. What we are performing is a non-stress test to see how your baby is handling the contractions you're having. The information that was faxed over by your physician indicated that you've had problems with high blood pressure. Because of this, we're going to keep an eye on you and your baby. Essentially, we monitor the baby's heartbeat as well as your contractions. That's what this paper is for. The information we're receiving from the monitor tells us the baby's heartbeat while it's active and at rest, as well as how it is responding to your contractions. I'm detecting a few strong ones. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that you've been having them. Am I right?" He smiled warmly at her when she nodded. He'd seen so many scared, first-time mothers in that bed. He wanted to do as much as he could to help her through it.

"Does that mean I'm going into labor? I can't have my baby this early. My husband isn't even here." She started to ramble before shutting up when she saw the doctor raise his hand for her to stop.

"One thing at a time. While it is still a couple months away, technology has advanced in leaps and bounds. You're not going to have your baby today, if I can help it. I'm going to give you a steroid injection to be on the safe side. This will help develop the baby's lungs. If you're baby comes early, this will reduce the potential for breathing problems. I'm also going to give you an injection to stop your contractions. You're in capable hands, ma'am. I assure you, we do this kind of thing all the time." He placed the paper in the drawer on the cart.

"Is it breathing okay? I mean, is he okay?" She was on sensory overload, not knowing if her baby was in danger.

"Everything is fine. The baby's heart rate is a little high, but considering the circumstances, it's acceptable. I would be more concerned if it wasn't getting enough oxygen or if it wasn't moving around. Your little one is restless." He chuckled, lightening the mood.

"Tell me about it. It's been bouncing in my bladder for the past week. So, the baby is okay? You can stop the contractions and everything?" She still wasn't sure of the specifics. She was having a hard time processing everything.

"We're going to give you the injections shortly. One will be the steroid I discussed and the other will be a dose of magnesium sulfate in your IV. Speaking of, I'm going to have your picc line removed. We'll see how you do without it. If you need it, we'll put another one back in. For now, sit tight. Why don't you give me your husband's number and I'll have the nurses try to reach him." He handed her a notepad and watched her jot down a number.

"Could you just call this number and leave a message for my husband to call here to the room? His name is Elliot Stabler." She wrote his name on the paper as well before handing it over.

"Of course. I'll just go drop this off. The nurse will be in here in a few to get you medicated. I failed to mention this, but the drugs to help develop the baby's lungs will need to be given over the next 24 hours. I'm afraid we'll have to keep you overnight, at least. We'll also monitor the baby for signs of stress." He folded the slip of paper and stuck it in his pocket.

"Okay. Anything to make sure everything is okay. Thank you for your patience. I'm feeling a little lost here. My husband has four children from a previous marriage. I'm kind of going into this blindly." She let out a self-deprecating laugh.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I don't know exactly what line of law enforcement you're in, but it takes a strong person to go into that kind of work. You're doing fine, Ms. Benson." With that, he left the room, leaving Olivia to take in the last five minutes. She glanced at the bedside clock. She was due at work after the nurse left. Two hours had passed and she wondered why Elliot hadn't been around when she'd called.

Xxx

"Hey, you're a popular guy today." John pointed to Elliot's phone as he walked past the younger detective.

"Really? Where's Liv?" He saw her desk had been untouched. He had a sinking feeling the calls had to do with her being absent from work.

"Elliot, I have a message for you. You have the rest of the day off. Keep us informed." Cragen handed Elliot the phone message and watched his detective's eyes grow wide before rushing from the room.

"What's wrong? Is Olivia okay?" John frowned, knowing the reason his friend had left was most likely because of his wife.

"Olivia was admitted this morning. I don't have a lot of information since I'm not family. All they could tell me was that she was doing fine and the baby was fine. They said to have Elliot come over. Olivia won't be released until sometime tomorrow. Where's Elliot's phone at?" He walked over to the desk and spotted the phone next to the desk phone. A lot of good it was doing there.

"He said something this morning about it needing to be charged. Damn. I wonder how long Olivia tried to call him while we were gone." He immediately felt guilty. He knew it was beyond his control, but he couldn't help feeling as if he could have helped somehow.


	7. Relief

"I came as soon as I got the message." Elliot breezed into the room. His sleeves were rolled up and he was panting from worry and having bolted up seven flights of stairs. The line to the elevator was not fitting into the small span of time that, in his mind, he had to get to Olivia. He sat beside her on the bed and wrapped his arms around her.

"I tried to call you. What happened?" She tried to keep the accusation out of her voice. She was worried, though, and couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry, honey. My cell phone was on the desk by my phone. I'm so sorry." He kissed the top of her head and looked over at the monitor she was hooked up to. With questioning eyes, he pulled back to look at her.

"I don't know what's going on. I mean, I do, but not really. The nurse was over this morning and I had been having these cramps all day. By the time she got there, they were starting to get worse. I didn't know I was having contractions." She buried her face into his shirt, not wanting to see what expression his features would take on. She couldn't live with herself if something happened and he blamed her for it.

"I bet you were scared out of your mind. I'm so sorry, Liv. I should have been here. Daddy should have been here, baby." He kissed her stomach, just below where the gown was resting underneath her bra.

"The doctor said he'd give me something to stop the contractions. He also said he'd put something in the IV so the baby's lungs develop in case we have him early. I don't want to have him early. He's too small." She snuggled closer and moved her head so that she could see if the doctor came.

"Shh…calm down, okay? I'm sure this kind of thing happens a lot. One thing at a time. You know, a buddy of mine from the Academy had a little girl two months early once. That was back in the eighties. She was a little small, but she's perfectly fine. Nothing wrong, whatsoever, but her pain-in-the-butt dad constantly worrying about her. She's healthy. Zane will be, too. Okay?" He ran his hand through her hair in an effort to calm her.

"They said his heartbeat looks good. He's moving around a lot. I've already had to go to the bathroom three times. I just wish I could see him to know he's okay. No, I want to wait until he's bigger and stronger." She rested her hand on Elliot's chest, smoothing the wrinkles on his shirt.

"He's already big and strong. I know he is, because he's inside you and you've been protecting him all these months." He held the hand that was on his shirt and gave it a gentle squeeze. He missed seeing her ring. He remembered how upset she had gotten when it would no longer fit. He'd given her a gold chain so that she could keep it around her neck.

"We need a middle name. I want you to pick it." She brushed a few strands of hair out of her face and looked up at him.

"To what do I owe that honor?" He shifted so her head was in his lap.

"Well, I picked the first one. I just thought it would be fair if you chose the middle name. Besides, I chose the last name when I married you. I got two out of three. You should have a shot at the middle name." She felt her gown riding up and tried to see to fix it.

"Hmm…I was actually thinking of the name Matthew. I know there are million Matthews in the world, but it seemed to fit. What do you think?" He pulled the gown from her fingers and fixed the material so that it would stay put. He saw the impression of the elastic from her shorts and rolled them down to fit more comfortably.

"I like it. What do you think, buddy?" She smiled at Elliot as he put his hand over hers on her stomach. The baby gave a swift kick, as if showing his approval.

"Well, I guess Zane Matthew it is." Elliot chuckled and shook his head.

"Can you get up? I have to go to the bathroom again. I swear this child is going to be a kicker. I'll direct him to your shins when he throws a tantrum. Oh gosh, what if he's as ornery as you are?" She stifled a laugh as Elliot feigned being hurt.

"Don't listen to her, Z. Wait 'til mommy's asleep to kick her." He pushed the call button to let the nurses know to unhook the wires so Olivia could leave the bed.

"Z? Our son is not a wrestler, Elliot. And just remember, every time I get up, you're coming right with me." She swatted him playfully on the arm.

"I'm just getting you ready. You'll thank me when you're getting up every two hours for a feeding. You'll be used to it." He helped her to stand and watched the monitor, making sure the baby was doing okay.

"Yeah, well, I'm already used to getting up for work. Dang it, will she hurry up?" She fought the urge to cross her legs.

"Wow, I could use some of that nice, cold water. Maybe I'll pour me a glass. Oh, that reminds me of the time I was in Hawaii. There was this waterfall, and…" His voice trailed off at the sight of her glare.

"You're an evil man. Why did I marry you again?" She rolled her eyes at his mischievous grin. She knew what was coming.

"We both know the answer to that. Even he does." He pointed to her stomach.

"Oh, don't make me laugh. Go get her, Elliot. Please, baby." She held his hand tighter as the urge made itself known once again.

"Ha! You're so close to doing the pee-pee dance, Liv. I'll get the nurse, but you owe me." He winked and dropped her hand before leaving the room.

"Yeah, that's what you think, buddy. Your dad missed his calling as a comedian." She sat on the bed and sighed. She was surprised at how natural it felt to be talking to her son. She'd caught Elliot doing it a time or two in the early hours of the morning before he left for work. She loved seeing him so affectionate and wanted to do the same. Even though she spent the day by herself, she was still with their son. She'd gotten a few books to read for when he got to be older, but she had already read them all several times.

Ooo

Olivia lay on her side with Elliot's hands wrapped protectively around her midsection. She has woken up earlier when the nurse came in to check hers and the baby's vitals. She stared at the little orange heart, the steady flash of her little boy's heartbeat. The nurse had assured her all was well. The medication had been administered, save for one last dose. By noon, she would be cleared to go. She was so thankful everything was okay.

"You're up." Elliot moved one arm to rest on her thigh.

"Yeah. Six hour until we can go home." She let him help her hold the leads so that she could turn to face him.

"Guess he decided to wait after all." He pulled the blanket back over her and slipped his hand under her so he could hold her.

"Guess so. What do you think he's thinking about now?" She sighed, feeling content for the time being.

"I think he's probably wondering why it's so noisy out here; why we never sleep." Elliot was definitely looking forward to a few lazy days off with the baby and Olivia.

"We do this a lot, don't we?" In the past several months, she'd gotten used to staying up and talking with Elliot.

"Yes, we do. I have to say, I enjoy your company. I'm going to miss you when you're on maternity leave. You'll have to bring him down so he can meet his other family. Did the doctor say if you'll be on bed rest?" He hadn't thought of it, but he knew it was a possibility.

"No, he didn't. I'll ask him about it when he comes in again. Speaking of the guys, did you tell them what's going on?" She traced the creases in the front of his shirt.

"I'll call Captain in a couple hours. Do you want to rest a little before the nurse comes in to check you?" He held her hands in his and began warming them up. She shivered in the coolness of the room. He adjusted himself so the could hug her as close as possible.

"Mm…kay. Thanks, honey. Wake me when she comes in. Her hands are so cold." She mumbled the last part before drifting off.

"Night baby." He kissed her on the forehead and watched her sleep. She truly was glowing. She had stepped into the shoes of motherhood and was at a dead sprint. He was so proud of her.

The next thing Olivia knew she was staring into the eyes of her husband. She blindly reached for his hand, still feeling the effects of sleep.

"Hey." Elliot leaned over the bed and gave her a soft peck on the lips.

"Hey. What time is it?" Olivia stretched and fixed the wires that had fallen between the bed and the rail.

"Ten thirty, roughly. I did the best 'bad cop' routine I could muster. Sent the nurse running for the hills." He smiled at her eye roll.

"Don't be mean. They're just doing their jobs. Thank you, though. I feel so much better. Are we close to being sprung?" She held out her hand so he could help her sit up comfortably.

"As soon as you're awake. So…now. The last dosage was given an hour ago. We're free, baby." Elliot started to gather Olivia's clothes to put into the bathroom.

"Wait. I have to go to the bathroom. Help me up?" She scooted to the edge of the bed and heaved herself up, all the while gripping his hand tightly.

"Before I forget, the doctor said you can work. Just keep your appointment next week and if you notice any signs of labor, to come back." He stood back so the nurse could get in

"Thank you for everything. You guys were great. I really appreciate you putting up with me." She gave a small smile.

"Oh, it was nothing! You were a real trooper. Go get some rest and enjoy your day. I don't want to see you three for a couple more months. I forgot to mention this, but since you were doing fine without your picc line, we'll just leave it out." She patted Olivia's shoulder and took out her IV. She pushed away the cart before leaving the room.

"Okay, hurry!" Olivia shuffled to the bathroom with Elliot in tow. She giggled when he swatted her butt.

Ooo

Back at home, Elliot got Olivia settled on the couch and took a seat on the chair across the room.

"I know we agreed to wait, but do you think we should meet up with my mother's lawyer before the baby comes? By then, I'll be too exhausted." She rolled onto her side, prepared to argue her case.

"If it's what you want. What did he want to meet with you about? I thought you sent in the forms." Elliot got up and grabbed the envelope they'd been given by the lawyer.

"He wants my birth certificate so he can send it in as proof so I can get access to my mother's assets. I didn't know she had any, other than what she'd gotten from the college." The thought that her mother hadn't ever told anyone still blew her mind. She didn't know what to think of it. She couldn't afford to get worked up about it, though. She'd gotten her crying out. She just wanted answers.

"Do you want to stop by and get a copy? Your mother didn't have your certificate at the house, did she? I didn't see it with your things." He was surprised to find a small box of Olivia's belongings.

"I'll have to. I didn't see one in there. It wasn't like I had many places to look. All I found were some old immunization records." She made a mental note to call first thing in the morning. She didn't want to worry about it at the moment. She just wanted to enjoy spending time with Elliot.


	8. Revelations

"You sound upset. What happened?" Elliot detected an edge in Olivia's voice the minute she greeted him over the phone. He sat down in his chair and jammed his finger in his ear so he could hear.

"It couldn't have gone better. I'm dilating, I'm as big as a house, oh and my blood pressure is elevated so they're doing a C-Section in two weeks. How's your day?" Olivia clamped her eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears that threatened to break free. She thought for one moment that they'd been graced with an easy time of things. As if the chaos in her life wasn't enough.

"What? Why? You've been taking it easy." Elliot saw the concerned looks John and Fin cast in his direction and held up his index finger.

"I know that. I am so tired of this, Elliot. I've followed the doctor's orders. I've taken it easy. Everyone has been catering to me at work. The only thing I have to get up for is to take a pee every hour. What am I doing wrong? I wish someone would just tell me so I can quit screwing this up! And don't you dare say it. Don't you say you told me so." Olivia sat down in a huff and threw up her hands as she cradled the phone between her shoulder and ear.

"I wasn't going to say I told you so. We both agreed to look into the thing with your mother together so it wouldn't be solely on your shoulders. All we have is to go through her papers. The money from her pension at the school won't come through until the end of the month. It's not like we were expecting it sooner, or at all, for that matter. So, don't worry about that. Look, these things happen, Liv. It's nothing you've done. Concentrate on staying calm. Did the doctor say anything else?" Elliot could almost see her staring helplessly at the phone.

"No. Just that they scheduled me to come in because delivering the baby vaginally would put unwarranted stress on the baby since my blood pressure is already high. They said they'd rather not risk it. He'll be a little early, but not by much. We have so much to do before then, though. I was counting on having everything done within the next month." Olivia held the phone and flipped through the list of things to be finished before the baby came. If anything, it seemed to be getting longer.

"We'll get it done this weekend. Correction, I'll get it done this weekend. You can sit and supervise." Elliot scribbled a note on the pad before him and held it up so the guys could see.

"I need a bubble bath and a glass of wine. I guess I'll settle for a book on the porch swing. I'll pretend the water I'm drinking is enough to get me liquored up." Olivia let out a laugh. Just hearing his voice was doing wonders for her psyche.

"Just think, I won't be there to give you a hard time about your smutty reading material." He nodded mutely when John mouthed to Elliot, asking if Olivia was okay.

"There's a positive. I'll let you get back to work. I just wanted someone to talk to and I know you wanted me to call and tell you how it went. I'm sorry you have to put up with an emotional, neurotic wife. I'd do anything to keep Zane healthy. You know that, right?" She scooted down on the couch and laid her head back on the cushions behind her.

"Of course I know you would. You're doing a great job. Look, I'll be home in few hours. Why don't I bring dinner home? Go read your book. Relax, take it easy, and keep breathing." Elliot had the strong urge to race home and wrap his arms around her, but he didn't want to smother her. She seemed to be over the initial shock and was coping well, he thought.

"Okay. Thank you honey. I really needed to hear your voice." Olivia let out a self-deprecating chuckle.

"I love you, baby. Tell my boy daddy loves him." Elliot grinned broadly when Olivia said she would.

"See you after a while. Bye." Olivia heard the click on the other end of the line and set the phone down. She rubbed the clothed stomach that encased her son. She felt such a connection and she couldn't wait for the chance to hold him in her arms. She wouldn't have to wait long, she thought.

She reached for the book on the coffee table and the manila envelope caught her eye. It was the last of the documents. She and Elliot had gone through all of her mother's things. Once she'd given the lawyer the proof that she was, indeed, the daughter of Serena Benson, things went smoothly. She knew she should just let it go, but she felt like a disgrace. All her life she lived with the beatings and the abuse of a woman who didn't want her. She understood why she acted that way, but to hide her existence was beyond Olivia's comprehension. She never felt so unwanted in her life.

Olivia took a calming breath before opening the folder. She delicately opened each item, one by one. The folder appeared to be personal items of her mother and she felt like a voyeur but it might give her a clue as to whom her mother really was. She never felt like she really ever knew. She placed each paper in a different pile. One for old love letters, another for old movie stubs and tickets to concerts her mother had gone to before Olivia had been born. Before her life had been turned upside down. The third pile was for photos and the final pile was for little bits of her life that had made her proud. A smile graced Olivia's face when she found an old college transcript. It was from her mother's first semester of college before her grades started slipping. She put on top of the others. She'd gotten all A's. She stared down at the piles before her. She didn't have it in her to read any of the letters just yet. She opted to start with the pictures.

The photos were old and dingy and some were discolored beyond recognition. Olivia had no idea who the people were but they all looked happy. One photo caught her eye and she was instantly taken back to a moment in her time. The only two weeks of her childhood where she never shed a tear. She was holed up in her bedroom. Her mother had warned her not to embarrass her and that she'd be able to eat once he left. She'd removed all of her effects from the house and placed them in her room. She could hear them talking and placed her ear against the door. She smiled as her heard her mother laugh, something she hadn't done in a while. Olivia's breath caught in her throat when she heard the man ask if she had any kids. She strained to hear the answer and wished she hadn't. She backed up away from the door in horror, knocking over a lamp in the process. She hastily picked it up and set it back on the night stand. She cringed when the door began to open and sat on the bed, waiting to receive her punishment. It never came.

The nice man greeted her with a warm, toothy smile. He said his name was Bill and that he had a daughter of his own and that she had dark brown hair like Olivia's. He sat on the bed and the two talked. Olivia kept glancing toward the door in fear that her mother would come in and take him away. She wanted him to stay and told him so. He looked her in her innocent eyes and somehow understood how lonely she was. He saw her past, littered with broken promises and threats that had always been followed through. He saw pain and suffering. He enveloped her in a hug and told her if he'd stay as long as she let him, that he wanted to be her friend.

Those two weeks were the best two weeks of her life. She never forgot Bill. Memories came and went but that time was fresh in her mind. She only wished she knew his last name. She remembered clearly every time he secretly took her out for ice cream after school so her mother wouldn't find out. Every argument they'd had about her mother's treatment of her 'own flesh and blood'. All the accusing glares of a drunk who just wanted to be happy. If only she could see that it was all her young daughter wanted as well. For her mother to love and to be loved, because she so desperately wanted it for herself. Times changed, though, and the man went away. He never came over again and the empty void in Olivia's life returned. There were no more happy memories.

Olivia sat on the couch and stared at the photo of the man. She turned it over and founded the date. She had no idea where he was but she needed to find him. She'd always wanted to tell him how much she appreciated all he did for her. She studied the picture with scrutiny. He wore a plaid suit with a bag thrown over the shoulder. She recognized the building in the background and gasped. It was the university where her mother had taught. She'd met him at work.

Olivia carefully stacked the papers so that they were in one, organized pile and placed them back into the folder. She took the phone off the base and called Elliot once again.

"Hey, honey. I was looking through some of mom's old pictures and I found one that I need to have enhanced. Can you patch me through? I don't know the extension." Olivia tapped her foot impatiently on the linoleum.

"Yeaah…sure. I thought we were going to go through that later. What changed your mind?" Confused by her phone call, he frowned. He scanned the list of extensions next to his phone.

"I don't know. I just wanted it to be over and done with. I'll fill you in when you come home, okay?" She heard him agree and transfer her call.

"Hello, this is Olivia Benson from Special Victims. I've got a picture here I need your help with. It's not case-related but it would really mean a lot to me if you could do an enhancement on it so I would know what the person looks like today. Do you think you'd have time to do that for me?" Olivia bit her lip and anxiously waited for the lab tech to answer.

"Um…give me until tomorrow morning. I can start on it first thing. I've got some things for Computer Crimes that they need ASAP but after that, I'm all yours. Why don't you bring the picture over and I'll see what I can do." The computer tech searched his memory for the detective on the other end of the phone. He only knew of a few females that worked at the 1-6. Suddenly the light clicked and he smiled. She'd always been nice to him, even when he was learning the ropes. Her passion intrigued him and he vowed to have the same drive with every case because as she'd put it 'each person, each case has a family that wants answers just as badly as we do. We owe it to them to get those answers.' He admired her for her words.

"Actually, I'm on maternity leave right now. Can I scan it and send it to you?" She went to the study and turned on the computer to boot it up. She placed the picture on the scanner and waited.

"Oh, of course. Congratulations, in advance, by the way. Do you know what you're having?" The young man kicked himself for not remembering she was pregnant. She was beautiful to him either way.

"We're having a boy. He's making his grand appearance in a couple weeks, which is why I should be getting everything ready. This little thing came up, though, and you know how detectives get. We don't rest until we find what we're looking for." She heard him laugh in agreement.

"Gotcha. Well, I hope you get your answers, Detective Benson. Send it to my name. If I have you send to the group one, everyone will get it. Do you have a pen?" Once he heard that she did, he rattled off his e-mail address.

"Thank so much, Jake. Call me Olivia, please. You have no idea how much I appreciate this." She was happy to finally put a voice to a name. She vaguely remembered a Jake working in the lab.

"You're more than welcome. I only ask that you name your baby after me. I don't think I'll ever get a date and that'll make my mom so happy to carry on the family name." Jake chuckled and heard her do the same.

"Well, unless your middle name is Zane or Matthew, you're out of luck. Sorry." Olivia remembered how lonely she was when she was single. She remembered Jake to be in his mid twenties; young enough to still have plenty of time.

"You wouldn't believe this, but my full name is Jacob Matthew Harris the third. So, it looks like we're in luck, Olivia." Jake clicked the refresh button on his mailbox and saw the e-mail he was waiting for. He opened it up and loaded the picture. The man in the photo was standing in front of what looked to be a college university. He wondered what Olivia wanted with the picture, but it wasn't his place to ask. He only hoped he could help her find whatever it was she was looking for.

"See, there you go. You should have it, Jake." Olivia tapped her fingers on the keyboard. She studied her fingernails. She'd have to trim them before the baby came. It seemed to be the easiest thing on the list to do.

"I've got it right here. I'll get to it first thing in the morning. Do you want me to call you at home when it's done? I can just reply back to your e-mail. It'll take a while to do without having any genetic history or any other pictures but I've worked with far little before. Once I had to do an enhancement on half of this lady's face. I was proud of that one." Jake smiled as he recalled being the person who helped put one of the most horrific murders in jail, a case that had been cold for years.

"If you could. Whenever you get it done is fine. Thanks again. I owe you one." Olivia gave him her phone number and logged off of her computer and stretched. She got up and went to the kitchen for some water. She reminded herself to step it up, that she should have had at least three glasses by then.

"Not a problem. Take care, Olivia." Jake hung up the phone with a huge smile on his face. He loved these kinds of jobs. It was the personal ones that people brought to him that made him love his job the most. He loved helping people of all walks of life, but it was the people like Olivia that seemed to want answers the most that made him work until all hours of the night. He marked the e-mail unread and went back to work.

Olivia sat on the couch and placed the photo on the table. She picked up her book and took out the bookmark. It was nice outside, but she didn't want to move. She started reading.

ooo

Elliot set the bags on the counter and pushed them to the back of the counter so they wouldn't fall off. The house was quiet and he went into the living room. He grinned at the sight before him. Her book was lying haphazardly on her lap, her fingers still placed as if she was ready for that particular part. Her neck was craned to the side at an odd angle. He winced in sympathy and walked over to her and gently shook her awake.

"Mmm…hey. I guess I fell asleep, huh?" Olivia blinked away the weariness and let him help her up.

"Hey. How's your neck?" Elliot grabbed the book before it fell to the floor and replaced the bookmark before setting it on the table next to a picture. He didn't recognize who was in the photo.

"Sore. Ow. I always do that. I was going to go out on the patio but I didn't want to get up again." Olivia let him lead her to the kitchen and sat down at the table as he rifled through the bags.

"You sound better. You don't seem as stressed as you did on the phone." Elliot opened the boxes of Chinese food and dumped out some rice on the two plates.

"I decided not to worry about it. I found a picture in the folder I was going through earlier. Remember that guy I told you my mom dated for a while? The one I actually liked?" Olivia watched him scoop out some chicken pieces on the plate before looking up at her. He nodded and set both plates on the table before going to the fridge.

"I called the lab and asked if they could enhance it to see what he'd look like today. I want to find him, Elliot. He was the only person that ever made my life worth living. I never got to thank him. It was because of him that I never gave up hope that there was someone out there who could love me." Olivia heard her stomach growl and patiently waited for him to sit down.

"I think that's a great idea, Liv. I just don't want to see you get hurt. I don't want you to get your hopes up if you aren't able to find him. I don't meant to be negative, I just want you to be realistic. It's been a while, judging by that picture. We hear all the time about people trying to find relatives or loved ones. Just promise me you'll take care of yourself and you won't get worked up over this." Elliot slid her water to her and took a sip of his own.

"I know that. I know it could turn up nothing, and I'm prepared for that. I just want to show the photo around and see if he still works at the school where my mom taught. If nothing turns up, then I'll leave it alone. Besides, it'll give me something to do in the next couple weeks. You don't know how hard it is to just sit around all day, Elliot. I get bored." Olivia picked up her fork and took a bite of the chicken first. It was pure heaven. She smiled as the flavors mingled on her tongue.

"Enjoying that, are you?" Elliot chuckled and began eating as well. He noticed that she was happier. There was a change in her. She'd seemed to find a way to let the tension out and put it into something else. If she wanted to look into the mysterious boyfriend of her mother's, then he'd support her every step of the way.


	9. Reminder

A/N: The countdown to the baby is here, folks. Still with me?

---

"Honey?" Olivia rested her head on Elliot's lap and looked up at him through half-lidded eyes as he ran his fingers through her hair. The motions were calming and she felt herself beginning to drift off.

"Yeah, Liv?" Elliot untangled the clasp of Olivia's necklace and lifted the top of her shirt ever so slightly, ensuring that it was safely tucked away.

"What time do you want to make an appointment for the tour at the hospital? I spoke with one of the nurses over the phone. She said she could show us around. I know it sounds silly, but if it's going to be out of our hands, I want to know what's going to happen. I don't want any surprises." She shifted positions so she was flat on her back and could see him better.

"That's not silly. I think it's a great idea. What do you think about tomorrow?" Elliot regretted not being able to spend more time with her the past week. Her nerves had been shot and no matter what he did, the feeling of dread never seemed to go away for her.

"Are you sure you don't have to go in? I know we have another week. We can do it closer to the C-Section, if you want." Olivia saw his determination and smiled. She knew he'd be there with her every step of the way.

"The guys will be fine without me. They've done it before. They've got a couple temporary replacements already, anyway. I was going to wait to tell you this, but I asked for a few weeks off after the baby is born." Elliot saw her eyes well up and leaned down to kiss her fully on the lips. He could taste the salty taste of her tears and brushed them away before they reached her hairline.

"You're so good to me. Thank you for being so patient. I know it hasn't been easy, what with my raging hormones and never ending insecurities." She could hardly believe the luck she'd had. She truly felt blessed.

"You don't have to thank me for being your husband, Liv. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I'm just sorry you've had such a hard time with this pregnancy. Can you believe in another week we'll be holding our son?" Elliot beamed with pride at the realization.

"I know. I'm so glad we got everything done." She could still hear Munch going on and on about how sore he was after helping them out around the house and Fin's constant banter in return.

"Finally!" He was sick of paint and wallpaper, but it was well worth it in the end.

"Did you call Casey? I forgot to let her know to come around ten or so." She did a mental checklist of all the people she needed to inform of the baby's due date.

"Yep. She said she'd be there with a goody bag." Elliot laughed as Olivia rolled her eyes.

"She's going to spoil him rotten. Our son is never going to understand the word no." She reached up and grabbed a hold of his right hand so their fingers were clasped.

"I know. I think we've already created a monster. He's going to be one ornery little boy. Can you imagine his terrible two's?" Elliot squeezed the soft hand in his and held it to his lips. He gently kissed each digit.

"I love him so much already. We've been through so much together. I don't want to leave him. You know, some places have a 'take your baby to work' program. Think they'd go for that at the squad?" Olivia could just imagine the looks she'd get if she came toting a diaper bag and baby carrier to interviews.

"I don't think so, honey. I don't think the perps are going to be too understanding if you have to hold off reading them their rights so you can change a poopie diaper." Elliot chuckled and shook his head. As crazy as it sounded, he couldn't hardly wait to change a few, himself.

"Good call. Oh I bet they'd get a real kick out of breastfeeding. Now that's just disturbing. Eww." She quickly erased the thought from her mind as she pictured dozens of men leering at her as she unfastened her nursing bra so that her son could eat.

"Captain said he got a present but that it couldn't be opened until the day of. Something about putting the finishing touches on it. Makes me a little nervous. I wonder what it is." Elliot ran his thumb over Olivia's in a circular motion. He could smell the soft scent of jasmine, the lotion she'd been using ever since she'd gotten rid of the nausea. He remembered how happy she was that she didn't go running to the bathroom the moment she put it on.

"Oh, I overheard the guys talking the other day when they were over. Cragen got a onesie and had Zane's name put on the back." Olivia smiled slightly and grew serious.

"What? You don't like the idea?" Elliot watched her features change and frowned.

"Honey, I need to ask you something. I want you to be honest with me." Olivia gazed up at him and caught his attention.

"I'm always honest with you, but okay. What is it?" Elliot held her hand a little tighter, offering the anchor she may need for whatever she was going to say.

"Do you want our baby to be raised Catholic? I have nothing against the idea. I know your beliefs are important to you. We could have the whole baptism thing and everything. I've looked into it." Olivia pulled her hand from his grasp lightly and ran her finger along his tattoo.

"Only if you want to. It's your decision, too, Liv. You've never mentioned it before. Why all of the sudden?" He followed the trails she made with her fingertips and wondered what she was thinking.

"I don't know. I just…all my life I guess I never had anything to really believe in. Then I met you and you had this whole system, this structured system already in place. The rules and customs and traditions…I guess I understand why you feel the way you do. If you have someone backing your play, someone there to watch your back…I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just want him to know what you know. I know it's later on down the line, but I'd like to take some classes. Maybe learn a thing or two. I once asked my mom about God and she looked me straight in the idea and told me there was no God. I can't describe the way that made me feel. Night after night I'd been praying. I'd get down on my knees, press my hands together, close my eyes as hard as I could and pray to make her better and I'd beg for just a sign that I wasn't alone and to make us be a family and it never came true. But you know what? I still held out hope that He would hear me. When she said that to me, it was like I lost the little faith I had in the one person that cared about me. I hated her for making me feel that way. I want our son to know that there is hope. I want him to feel protected and safe and loved." Olivia closed her eyes as the memory floated around in her mind.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I love you so much, baby." He choked on his words, as the lump in his throat grew bigger. He pictured little Olivia Benson going through the motions and having all the hope she had in her little heart swept out from under her. He couldn't imagine going through life feeling that way.

"Me, too. Me, too." Olivia answered both statements. She was sorry for how she grew up but she sensed Elliot's deep passion for her and gave it to him in return. She felt his hand swipe slowly over her face, once again removing the moisture as if to erase the years of pain she'd endured.

"Come on." Elliot nudged her with his knee and helped her to sit up.

"Wh…what are you doing?" Olivia looked at him with a confused expression.

"Just come here. Quit being a detective." Elliot held his hand out and pulled her up as she cautiously followed him down the hall. He led her into the bedroom and patted the mattress.

"Baby, not now. I don't…" Her voice trailed off as she watched him open the drawer to the nightstand and pull out the tattered Bible he'd had sine he was a kid. She'd never seen anything so ragged.

"Oh, hush. I want to show you something." Elliot flipped and found the right page with ease. He pointed to the passage and directing her to read it.

"Ask, and it will be given you. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and it will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives. He who seeks finds. To him who knocks it will be opened." She read it out loud and stopped, unsure of what to make of it. She read it again silently a few more times and glanced up. It still hadn't hit her.

"You don't see it. Baby, that's you. Your mother was wrong. That's Matthew, see?" Elliot tapped his finger along the top of the page.

"Ma….Matthew. Our son is a genius. Is that why you picked that for his middle name?" She smiled brightly when he nodded. Suddenly, she understood.

"Our son is a genius." Elliot repeated her statement and grinned in return. Even if she hadn't realized it, she'd never been denied as a child. Just as he'd had someone in his corner, she did, too. She just needed someone to point it out to her. He wanted their son to be that reminder. He went to close it and felt her move it from from his reach.

"I want to read it some more. Can you read me something else?" Olivia bit her lip and looked at him expectedly.

"Of course. I'm a little rusty. Scoot over." Elliot slid next to her and wrapped one arm around her as she shifted the Bible so it was between the two of them. He let his gaze fall on her face briefly before turning the page. Suddenly she was transformed into a little girl. He wondered if she'd had a normal childhood with loving parents, if they'd have sat down with her and read to her the same way. He blinked and the image of his adult wife returned. He rested his head on hers and began reading.

---

The passage is Matthew 7:7,8. FYI.


	10. Arrival

A/N: I've been slacking on my Ethics, so I'm posting another chapter of this story before I start to focus on that a little more. If I want to graduate in December, I need to spend more time on that and not writing:) I hope everyone is enjoying this. It's been fun to write.

"Can you see him?" Olivia's voice was muffled by the oxygen mask but Elliot heard her loud and clear.

"Not yet. I'm concentrating on you, beautiful." Elliot smiled down at his wife. They were finally going to greet the little bundle of joy that had caused them so much worry.

"Almost here, daddy." The nurse gently grasped his arm and pointed to the bony little foot. She stood in position, ready to take the baby to the warmer to be cleaned.

"He's got big hands, Liv." Elliot chuckled as more of the tiny body was revealed. He watched in awe until as his son was pulled from his wife. He was finally born, and was none too happy with the outside world.

"Here's the little troublemaker." The doctor's grin could be seen around the edges of the mask as he held up the squealing infant so that Elliot and Olivia could see. He finished up quickly and handed Zane over to the proud parents.

"He's perfect, El. Absolutely perfect." Olivia nuzzled her cheek against her son's as his squirming ceased. He seemed to calm down the moment he was near his mother. She smiled at tiny fingers and the minute hand against his face.

"Yes, he is. I bet the kids are dying to meet him." Elliot held Zane in his arms and wiped away a tear with his shoulder as he watched his wife and son get acquainted. He raised his head up and saw the nurse waiting to take the baby back.

"Ready? We're just going to get him all cleaned up. We'll bring him right back. I'm sure this little guy's hungry." The nurse tucked his hand back into the blanket and set him down before wheeling him out of the room.

"Alright. Almost done here, Olivia. Congratulations, mom and dad." The doctor placed the last piece of tape on the incision and pulled the blanket over Olivia's stomach.

"Thank you." Elliot shook the doctor's hand and stepped back so the nurse could move Olivia to her room. The entire process hadn't taken long, but to the new parents, it seemed like forever.

"Just doing my job. You take care, now." He pressed the button on the wall to open the door and watched them leave.

ooo

Four pairs of eyes gazed down at their new sibling. Ooh's and aah's drifted down the hallway as each viewed the newest addition to the Stabler family. Elliot could hear his kids talking excitedly. It was only a matter of time before they would be fighting over holding rights.

"Who called dibs?" Olivia watched Elliot walk in with a grin plastered all over his face.

"Maureen, I think. She's the oldest, you know." Elliot did air quotes and tried not to laugh as Olivia started rubbing her arms.

"Stop that! It's driving me crazy!" Olivia switched from her fingers to her palm, as it covered the most area the quickest.

"I'm sorry. You must have been one of the lucky people that have that reaction to the pain medication they gave you before the procedure." Elliot wiped the grin off his face and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah, I'm blessed. How does he look?" She'd been eying the door, waiting for him to be brought back in.

"Wrinkly. They were wrapping him up after his bath and he looked like a little old man." He smoothed a few errant strands behind her ear and kissed her on the forehead.

"Aww…oh, good." Olivia perked up when she saw the nurse returning with her son.

"Someone's hungry. Before I forget, your kids are going to the cafeteria with the lady that was in here with you earlier." The nurse placed the squirming baby into Olivia's outstretched arms.

"Thanks. Casey said she'd distract them after she got back from calling the guys." Elliot grinned proudly as his son latched on and immediately began nursing.

"Slow down, buddy. Got an appetite just like his dad." She laughed when he rolled his eyes.

"I guess you don't need me here. I'll come and check up on you two in a while. Let me know if you're uncomfortable." She waved behind her and closed the door.

"He feels so heavy for weighing only seven and a half pounds." She shifted his weight when her arm started to tire out.

"Here." Elliot grabbed an extra pillow from the chair and placed it gently under her elbow, as to not disrupt his son.

"Thank you. For everything." Olivia kissed him gently on the cheek and winced.

"Careful, Liv." Elliot steadied her and scooted closer so he could wrap his arm around her and help support his son's head.

"Forgot about that." She laid her head on Elliot shoulder and studied her newborn. She couldn't quite distinguish which features were from whom. She just knew that he was a part of them both.

"Look, he's got more hair than I do." Elliot lifted the top of the little cap, revealing a large amount of dark brown hair.

"Aww…I still love you. Hair or no hair. When you're completely bald, it'll just make you look twice as tough." She smiled and looked down again when Zane stopped eating to nap.

"Wise a...um…girl. He's had a busy day. I think we all could use some sleep." Elliot yawned and held out his arms so that he could burp his son.

"Thanks. I don't think I can raise my arms that high without it hurting." Olivia sat up straighter as Elliot held their son protectively against his chest while the little head peeked over his shoulder. She was amazed at how he could be so strong and tough with a perp and yet gentle and loving with their fragile son.

"He has that baby smell. He smells good." Elliot patted Zane's back and rubbed small circles intermittently.

"Yeah. Do you think it's too soon to have some Tylenol or something?" Olivia slid back so that she was fully supported by the bed, hoping it would relieve some of her discomfort.

"You could always check. Don't wait too long to ask. Shh….daddy's done. Go back to sleep." Elliot gently turned his son over when he heard the faint whimper at having been woken up.

"'Kay." She pressed the button and laid her hand on her stomach.

"Good timing." The nurse walked in with a small cup and handed it to Olivia.

"Oh, thank you so much. I wasn't sure if I could have anything." Olivia tossed the white capsules back and chased them with a glass of water.

"We try to stay on top of the pain and keep it managed so that you feel no discomfort. No reason for you to be miserable." She placed a thermometer under Olivia's tongue and waited for the beep.

"When do you need to take him back?" Elliot carefully pulled the edge of the blanket down so it didn't cover his son's face.

"When I'm done here. I'll bring him back in a couple hours. Rest up, mom. You, too, dad." The nurse removed the plastic covering off of the tip of the thermometer and entered the readings into the computer before taking the sleeping baby from Elliot.

Olivia and Elliot drifted off with their arms wrapped around each other. Olivia had been so anxious the night before; she hadn't slept more than a few hours. Elliot had sat up with her reading the information from the hospital and talking about the future.

Olivia woke up from her nap when she felt the mattress move. She suddenly remembered what she was supposed to do and shot up in bed.

"What? What's wrong?" Elliot turned back around when he heard her startle.

"Why'd you let me sleep so long? What time is it?" Olivia held onto the bedrail as the pain ebbed.

"It's only four o'clock, Liv. I would have woken you up to nurse. Relax, honey. You're going to hurt yourself." Elliot patted her arm and sat down on the chair beside the bed.

"Oh my gosh. It feels like I've been sleeping forever. Sorry." Olivia felt bad about her outburst.

"It's okay. Why don't you wake up a little bit while I go out to the nursery? I'll see if they can bring him in a little early." Elliot smiled reassuringly and left the room. He'd sent the kids home after promising they could hold their brother the following day. They had missed a day of school and still needed to complete their assignments. He saw Casey admiring the babies in the nursery and greeted her.

"Hey. She still sleeping?" Casey watched his eyes focus as they found his son.

"She just woke up. I think she's having a little separation anxiety. I'm going to see if I can take him back in." Elliot saw something in Casey's expression that he couldn't quiet place.

"Ah…hey, I could be paranoid or something, but is he supposed to be breathing like that? I know it's probably nothing." Casey pointed to the infant below the window as if Elliot needed to be shown which one was his.

"It's a little fast, I guess." Elliot glanced at the other babies and then back at his own.

"Think we should ask? Maybe he's just waking up or something." Casey hated to make him worry, but she'd never been a mom before and she was concerned.

"We could. You're right, though, it's probably nothing." Elliot tapped on the window, getting a nurse's attention. He walked over to the doorway and smiled.

"Hi. Is she awake?" The nurse crossed her arms and leaned against the doorway.

"Yeah. I know he's not ready to eat yet, but if my wife could see him, I'd really appreciate it. And I had one quick question. Is he okay? He's breathing kind of hard." Elliot watched her frown and look over before nodding.

"Oh, that's just how babies breathe. Why don't you tell your wife that I'll be in there in a few minutes?" She uncrossed her arms and stood looked at her watch. It was a half hour past her break time.

"Great, thanks…Anne." Casey read her nametag, smiling. She walked back down the hall with Elliot in tow.

"Thanks for sticking around and keeping the kids out of trouble. What time do you go in tomorrow?" Elliot quickened his step and caught up with her.

"Probably not until seven or so, I think. I've got to get my notes in order. I'll stop by around lunchtime, though." Casey stepped into the room and sat down on the chair.

"You're still here. That would be great if you could stop by tomorrow. Elliot's going home for a while tomorrow, although he doesn't know it yet." Olivia winked and glanced at the door.

"Just for clean clothes and to shower. I've got to put the car seat in the car, too." Elliot moved aside when the nurse entered. He stood back, allowing her to position the cart by the bed.

"Here you go. My shift ends in a few hours, but I'll stop by before I leave. Let me know if you need anything until then." She left the room once again to make her rounds.

"I think I'm going to head. I'll take my turn tomorrow. Congratulations, guys." Casey gave Elliot a hug and leaned over Zane to do the same to Olivia.

"Thank you so much for your help. Go home and relax." Olivia waved with the tips of her fingers and watched her go.

"Just us three now." Elliot bent down and kissed his son on the forehead. He touched the little nose and laughed. It still amazed him how small babies' features were.

"Yeah. Come on. Let's watch our son sleep." Olivia moved over and leaned against him as he settled in beside her.

"Love you, baby. Love you, too, buddy." Elliot kissed his wife and placed his hand gently over the blanket that encased his son.

"I love you, too." Olivia gave him a peck on the cheek before doing the same to the baby sleeping soundly in her arms. In all her life, she'd never been happier.

o o o

Casey had just put the finishing touches on her make up when the phone rang. She sighed, knowing she was already behind schedule. She froze the moment she picked up the phone.

"Casey, I need you to come down to the hospital. Please. Someone has to go with Zane." Elliot's voice shook as he tried to control his emotions. He bit his lip to keep from sobbing.

"Elliot? Wha…what are you talking about? Go with him where?" Casey spotted her black pumps on the floor and bent down to straighten them so she could put her feet in.

"It all happened so fast. Olivia's a wreck. You should have seen him. They have him in this…this contraption to go to the other hospital. I just went home to shower and Cragen called me and told me to get back up here. She tried to get a hold of me and called him. He was crying. I…I didn't know it. I could barely understand him. Liv…she was…she was hysterical. I had to leave the room just to call you. Jesus, what am I going to do? I knew something was wrong. You said so yourself." Elliot took a deep breath, letting it all sink in again.

"O…okay. Give me fifteen minutes. I've got to make some calls and I'll be right up. Stay calm, okay? Everything's going to be fine." Casey slipped off her heels and shoved her feet into her running shoes. They clashed with her suit, but she didn't care.

"I just…I want someone to be with Liv. He's so small. I don't want him to be alone." Elliot pinched the bridge of his nose and clamped his eyes shut. The tears came, regardless. He kept picturing the image of his infant son surrounded by no one but nurses and machines. He couldn't bear to be apart from him, as much as he wanted to stay with Olivia. He knew she'd want him to go, though.

"Hey, it's okay. I'll sit with Olivia while you go with Zane. Don't worry about your wife, okay? I've got her covered. Take Cragen with you, though, okay? You could use someone, too." She heard Elliot's faint response before the line went dead. She shook her head and sighed. In a matter of moments, her world came crashing down. Tears streamed down her face as she thought of how much harder it must be for Olivia and Elliot. She grabbed her keys and purse and slammed the door shut behind her. She did the only thing she could thing of on the way; she started praying. She hadn't been to church in years, but she vowed to start going. Whatever it took for that little boy to be okay.


	11. Guilt

A/N: I did some of my homework last night, so I think I'm entitled to work on this. I swear, it's an addiction. I'm going cross-eyed trying to finish this and stay awake:) I'm not an evil person, I promise. I don't kill chracters, no matter how small they are. Rest assured.

Casey stared out of the window at the people passing below. She wondered if they had any idea what went on above them. She turned around and crossed her arms with a determined resolve not to cry. She had to be strong for Olivia. She walked over to the chair and resumed her position.

"I wish someone would call. Is it that hard to just pick up the damn phone?" Olivia started sobbing and brought a hand to her mouth in shame.

"No news is good news, right?" Casey held Olivia's shaking hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Elliot and I promised not to curse in front of the baby. I know it sounds silly, but I just didn't…I didn't want him to hear anything bad. I wanted to protect him and while I was sleeping he was in the nursery fighting for his life. I wanted to hold him but I was so sore. I should have waited until Elliot got back. I shouldn't have let them take him back." Olivia bunched up the edges of the blanket with her right hand. Her knuckles were white from the grip she had on the material.

"Don't blame yourself, Olivia. You couldn't have known. If you want to blame someone, blame the nurse. Where's she at in all this?" Casey felt a stab of guilt, herself. She should have been more persistent.

"I just want to hold him. What if he's in pain?" Olivia clamped her eyes shut and shook her head.

"They won't let him hurt, sweetie. He's probably sleeping. You know how much babies get when they're first born. Do you think he snores like Elliot?" Casey smiled warmly as Olivia grinned slightly.

"I was such a mess, Casey. I think they heard me two halls over. It just came as such a shock. I had no idea anything was wrong with him. I thought once he was born we'd get the break we needed, you know? It makes me sick worrying about him. He's only a day old. I'm supposed to protect him. What Elliot must be going through…I'm not there for my husband." Olivia gently pulled her hand from Casey's and sighed dejectedly.

"You're supposed to get better so you can see your son. Elliot's with him. Don is with Elliot. Your guys are fine, Liv. Do you feel like you want to pump some more? There's a whole box of bottles." Casey scooted the stand over to the bed, knowing what the answer would be.

"Yeah. I should get some more ready for them to take over. Last night he didn't eat much. I thought it was because he just wasn't on a schedule yet. I tried to nurse him but he hardly ate. I don't even know my own child. He…he was struggling and I didn't notice. He couldn't breathe to eat. It's so clear now but I didn't know. I didn't know." Olivia started to cry once again in earnest.

"I know you didn't." Casey just held her heartbroken friend. Whatever she'd planned on saying next was lost in the gut-wrenching sobs of the woman next to her. A mother plagued by unrest because she couldn't hold her infant son. A mother without a purpose.

ooo

Down the street at another hospital, Don Cragen sat in an empty waiting room. He eyed the wall phone, wishing he had something to tell Olivia. The television was tuned to a kid show, an effort by some parent to bring a sense of normalcy to a young sibling's life. He sat and watched the muted show, hoping that he'd get the chance to do the same while sitting next to a little Stabler. He leaned his head back on the wall and looked to his right. He jumped up when he saw his detective come through the double doors.

"Thanks for staying, Cap." Elliot stood with his hands in his pockets. He rocked back on his feet and shifted his weight forward once again repeatedly.

"Not a problem. What'd they say?" Cragen braced himself for the news. Good or bad, he'd be ready.

"Pneumonia. The X-Ray at the other hospital caught it and the NICU here is more equipped to handle sick babies. He's a sick little boy, Captain. There are babies in there half his size in these cribs with little blankets covering them. Zane…he's in this enclosure so they can give him oxygen. They didn't even cover him up. He's…he's just in this diaper with this tube down his throat so he can eat. What am I going to tell her?" Elliot sank into the nearest chair and held his head in his hands as he sobbed openly.

"He's strong, Elliot. He'll pull through this. It's still fresh, all this. It's new and once the newness wears off you'll be able to see the improvements." Cragen remained standing and laid a firm hand on the younger man's shoulder as the distraught man took a few calming breaths.

"I feel so helpless. I'm his father. I knew something was wrong and I let some stranger tell me he was fine. I'm a detective. I'm supposed to notice things. Casey's the one who saw it. I missed it by a mile, and what'd I do? I left Olivia alone to deal with that. I should have been there. I just…I can't imagine what it was like finding out like that. I…what do I do?" Elliot blew out a breath of air and turned his head to look down the hall.

"Yes you can, because you love those two like your life depends on it. It's tearing you up inside because you know how hard it was for her to deal with all that alone. She was in pain, tired, and beating herself up because she felt like she was to blame, too. You can't go back in time. You didn't know. Now pick up the phone and call your wife. Then, go in there and be with your son. Talk to him. Just be there, because that is what's going to get Olivia through this." He walked to small nook in the wall and pulled out the chair before picking up the receiver. He held it up in the air and watched Elliot wipe his eyes and sit down. He handed him the phone and walked out of the room, granting him the privacy he needed to muster up the strength to tell his wife that their little boy was fine.

ooo

"…and try and take it easy. A lot of people fail to realize that a C-Section is surgery. I know under the circumstances I can't stand here and tell you to go home and relax, but listen to your body. If you're tired, get some rest. If you're in pain, take something for it. I'll prescribe you a few day's worth of narcotics so you can switch to over-the-counter medications later on. I will caution you on that, though, as some medications aren't for nursing mothers. I'll give you a list of the ingredients to look out for. Come back in tomorrow and we'll remove the staples. No lifting, climbing stairs. Ask for assistance if you need it, even if you don't. I'll have the nurse bring your discharge papers in and we'll let you go see your son." The doctor tore out the prescription and post-surgery information before leaving the two women alone.

"Guess you're sprung." Casey supported Olivia under her arm and helped her stand.

"It feels like someone kicked me in the stomach." Olivia paused when she thought about the baby was, not long ago, inside her womb.

"Come on. Let's get you changed. I'll drive you over." Casey led Olivia into the bathroom and untied Olivia's gown for her so that she could slip it off. The thin material fell to the floor. She bunched the fabric of the shirt up and slipped it over her friend's head. She waited for her to get her arms through and pulled the shirt away from her body so it didn't rub against the incision.

"Thank you, Casey. This goes above and beyond…well…everything. It's funny after all the check-ups and everything your modesty goes out the window. I'm so glad to get rid of the catheter, though." Olivia held onto the bar attached to the wall and lifted each leg up so Casey could pull her pants over her legs.

"Remind me of that when I actually meet someone. I think I'll adopt." Casey laughed, trying to lighten the somber mood that had settled in the hospital room.

"Can you help me sit down? I want to put my socks on." Olivia let go of the bar and adjusted the waistband of her pants.

"You should probably do that on the bed. I don't want you to slip and fall. Yours don't have grips on them." Casey led Olivia back out and helped her to sit on the bed. She marveled at how willing Olivia was to let her help.

"I'm so glad they're releasing me. I would have signed myself out, if they hadn't." Olivia was relieved when the nurse walked back in with the release papers. She was that much closer to seeing her son.

"Sorry about the wait. The printer jammed. Of course, all the men stood around while the women got in there got it fixed. Here you go. I just need you to read this over and sign by the 'x'." She handed Olivia the form and a pen and went about updating the information in the computer.

"Thank you for being so understanding." Olivia looked down at Casey, who was finishing tying up her shoes. She thought she'd have to fight tooth and nail to be released after just 48 hours.

"Congratulations, Olivia. I know I'm not supposed to do say this because it's a rivalry of sorts, but he's in good hands. They're more than capable of taking care of your son. I'm just sorry it wasn't caught sooner." She remembered the nurse from before and her avoidance. She couldn't believe the lady could be so callous.

"Thank you. That means a lot to me. Am I free to go?" Olivia was more than ready to get out of there. She wanted to wring the nurse's neck. The lady hadn't even asked about her son. Witch. She applauded her ability to keep her thoughts in check.

"Yes, you are. Take a seat. Do you have all your things?" She smiled at Casey as they helped Olivia sit down in the wheelchair.

"I've got your bag, Liv. Everything's all there." Casey stood back as the nurse wheeled Olivia out and into the hall. She'd been lucky enough to find a close spot and jogged ahead to pull the car up.

"Take care, you two. Best of luck. I'll check in on you tomorrow, Olivia." She helped Olivia into the car and held the door open as Casey gently pulled her seat belt around her. Bending down, she clicked the latch into place and shut the door. As the car drove off, she couldn't help but feel responsible for the little boy down the road.

"Look, I know you and Elliot are going to want to stay with Zane. Promise you'll call if you need anything?" Casey pulled into the lot and walked around to help Olivia out. They slowly made their way up the walk.

"I will. Could you do me a huge favor and get my prescription filled? I want to be able to concentrate on him. It's not about me now." Olivia slowed her stride a little as she neared the sign on the wall.

"This way." Casey directed Olivia toward the pharmacy and waited patiently while the order was filled. Thankfully, she didn't have to wait an hour for the medication. She whipped out her debit card and punched in her pin.

"Write down how much I owe you and I'll pay you back when I have my purse." Olivia cringed at how much a few days worth of pills had cost.

"Don't worry about it. Save your money for the cafeteria. I got you something you could take when those run out." She handed Olivia the bag and pushed the elevator button. The ride up was quiet. She locked eyes with Olivia, knowing she was gearing up for what she would see. The elevator slowed and the doors opened, revealing a concerned Donald Cragen.

"Hey." Cragen leaned awkwardly and embraced her, careful of her tender abdomen.

"Thank you so much for being here." Olivia returned his embrace and held it. She had a feeling he needed it just as much as she did. She pulled away, wiping a tear from her eye.

"Hey, none of that. How are you feeling?" Cragen gave her a once-over.

"Okay. Sore, but okay. Casey was nice enough to get me some good drugs. Physically, I'll feel better in a while." She opened the bag and read the label on the bottle before shaking out two tablets.

"Here. I don't have cooties." Cragen handed her the half-empty bottle of water he'd been carrying around and watched her sip it slowly.

"Remember, anything at all and you call me." Casey gave Olivia a quick hug and felt Don's arm wrap around her back. With all that had happened, he knew how upset Casey had been. She mumbled her appreciation for the gesture and out of the corner of her eye saw his eyes glistening with tears. They said nothing as they walked into the elevator. The doors soon closed, leaving alone with her thoughts.

Olivia walked up to the double doors and pushed one open. She was instantly met with the smell of the sterilized environment that existed behind the two glass doors. They opened instantly as she approached. She stepped inside slowly and looked around. She saw the face of her husband and bit her lip as it began to quiver.

He was there before the first tear fell. He gathered her into his arms and rocked her back and forth while gently holding the back of her head. He ran his arm down her back and up again in a comforting motion.

She couldn't talk; she just let him hold her. Be there for her like she'd been needing since she'd watched him run out of the hospital room the previous day. She sniffled and felt him pull away.

He grasped her face gently and wiped away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. He placed a kiss on her forehead and pulled her close to him as he picked up the clipboard and signed her name on it. He jotted down the time and set the clipboard back down. He pulled the nozzle on the sanitizer and rubbed the foam over her hands before wrapping an arm around her and leading her around the corner. He tightened the grip he had on her side and listened for the gasp that he knew would come soon. He pulled her head to his shoulder and stared down into the hard, clear plastic.

The sounds around them died down. The frenzied movements of the nurses stilled as they watched. He pointed here and there, explaining the wires and tubes that helped deliver all the things necessary for their son to get better. She nodded when he asked her if she wanted to touch him and handed her a pair of gloves. He tied the yellow strings on the sterile paper covering that masked her clothes. Ever so slowly, she opened the latch and opened the round door. She gathered her thoughts and inched her hand forward until it rested on his stomach, just above his diaper. She stroked the skin, wishing she could feel the softness with her fingers. She soothed him as he slept. Light enough not to wake him, but just enough to feel that she was there. She whispered softly, her voice carrying through the opening. Mommy's here.


	12. Watching

"Do you think it hurts him?" Olivia saw the nurse attach a syringe to the tube that went into Zane's stomach and pull the plunger up. The tube soon turned white as the excess milk was removed.

"It doesn't look like it's bothering him. The nurse said they need to get everything out of his stomach before they feed him again." Elliot watched as a new bag of milk was placed in the machine. With the punch of a button, the bag began to slowly empty.

"I feel so full. I need to pump some more." More than anything, Olivia wanted to be the one feeding her son. It was her job.

"Do you want to go now?" Elliot saw her hesitation and frowned.

"In a little bit. I want to watch him for a while. I like feeding time." Olivia eyed the nurse as she left to tend to her other babies.

"Me, too. It's like a reminder that he's growing stronger. They added a little to his feedings." Elliot remembered the nurse telling him how much Zane was eating.

"Good." Olivia rubbed her eyes and sighed. The past few days were catching up with her. She ran her hands up and down her arms as a chill went through her body. She shivered in response.

"I'm going to get some fresh air. Do you need anything from the vending machine?" Elliot couldn't remember the last time Olivia had gotten anything to eat or drink.

"No, thanks, honey." She smiled as he turned to leave. The moment he was gone, all the tension returned. She'd been trying to remain cool and collected around him. She didn't want him to know how much she was falling apart.

She sat there watching her little boy sleep. The sight of the IV's in his little wrist and foot was still unnerving. Although he slept most of the time, he still moved around. The nurse had threatened to move the IV from his hand to his head, something that made her stomach churn. She and Elliot were adamant about them not doing so, and had expressed their opinions accordingly. She heard a rustle when she moved her foot and glanced down. She pulled a half-torn magazine out from under her chair and smiled. Elliot had stashed a Sports Illustrated that he'd been reading. It made her heart swell to know that he was reading to their son. She reminded herself to buy the little baseball onesie she'd seen in the gift shop. She set the magazine back down and let her mind wander.

He put it off as long as he could. He took a walk, got some air, drank some coffee and came back to deliver the final blow to the crumbling fortress that was holding her together. For him. For Zane. He knew what it would do to her. He'd seen the signs all day. The flushed cheeks, bouts of shivering and droopy eyelids. And if he had to place money on it, the twinges of pain with each movement. She wasn't taking care of herself. He'd placed her medications in his jacket pocket so he'd know if she was taking them. He wanted to know that while their little boy was too weak to wake up, she would remain strong and healthy. Asking that of her was like asking a pig to fly and he'd expected her to remain stoic beside the little enclosure. She kept vigil all night and day and into the thirty-six hour mark the nurse had approached him and given him the news.

She watched him approach slowly, as if time stopped only for her. She looked around and saw the nurses moving about their duties. One glanced her way with a sad, knowing smile. Olivia felt her heart begin to race, as he got closer. She gripped both sides of the chair when he kneeled down next to her.

He pried one hand from the chair, then the other, before placing her hands in his. He stared up into her tear-filled eyes in horror. He kicked himself for scaring her. He'd made her think something was wrong with their son. He kissed her on the forehead and calmed her, telling her that Zane was still resting comfortably and that his condition hadn't changed.

She sighed in relief and pulled into a tight embrace. She winced when her sore abdomen made itself known. She wanted to know what was going on. If their son was doing fine, then there must be a reason he looked so sullen. She asked if he was alright and a nod soon followed.

He pulled back from her, and placed his hands on her arms to steady her for what he was about to say. To steady himself. He cleared his throat and said the four words that he knew would break her.

"I have to leave? Wh...why? What's wrong?" Olivia shook her head and darted her gaze back to her son.

"He's fine, honey, but you aren't. You're burning up. I'm so sorry, sweetie, but you can't be here if you're sick." He pushed back an errant bang and tucked it away, only to have it break free when she shook her head.

"Don't say it. Please?" Olivia cocked her head to the side and pleaded with her eyes. She couldn't bear to be away from her son again.

"You could get one of the babies sick. You're miserable. You haven't taken any of your pills. I counted them, Olivia. You're in pain, you're tired and you're freezing cold." Elliot watched a tear fall and blinked away a few, himself.

"I only got to hold him twice. I just want to touch him. I hate these stupid gloves. I want to hold him. Why can't I hold him?" She eyed the opening and reached out but pulled her hand back.

"He needs to get better; then you can hold him all you want. They sent his blood work to another state. It'll take a while. Maybe a few more days. Once the results come back and they know what's going on with him, then maybe you can hold him. For now, we have to let him sleep and get better. He's probably just got pneumonia like they think. It's okay to leave him for a bit. You just got out of the hospital, yourself." Elliot lightly pulled on the bracelet she still wore from being admitted. He wanted to cut it off for her, but kept forgetting to find a pair of scissors.

"I know. I'm sorry. I wanted to be strong for him but I just…I can't function knowing he's in there. I know you wanted me to come to you. I know I should have taken the drugs but I wanted to be strong for him. We were supposed to take him home. I'll never forgive myself if I get him sick." She sniffled and let the tears fall.

"You are strong, but your body has been through a lot. That's why you need to take what they gave you. Come on. You can pump some more while I call Casey. Then, you're going to take your medicine so that by the time you get home, you can get some rest. Okay?" He watched her hesitate before nodding. It was increasingly difficult to stay awake, himself, and he wondered how much longer he could handle it. He helped her stand and waited for her to say her goodbye's to their son.

She took off her gloves and touched the plastic enclosure with a bare hand. She felt like a stranger and wondered when he was older if he would hate her for not being there longer than she had been. She sighed and held her hands firmly to her sides. She felt a tug on her arm and reluctantly walked away. One last fleeting glance over her shoulder, and she was gone.

Thirty minutes later, Elliot checked his watch again. He stifled a yawn and pushed off the wall as the door opened to the small room. He peered inside and saw her gathering the bottles. He quickly took them before they dropped to the floor.

"Thanks." She handed him the last glass bottle and waited for him to return from taking them to the nurses. For the first time, she noticed his haggard expression. He looked as if he hadn't had a decent night's sleep in days. Truth be told, he hadn't and she felt like she'd failed him.

"You can come back when you're feeling better. You need to get some sleep, though. Are those pills kicking in yet?" He slipped an arm around her waist and walked her to the curb.

"Yeah. The pain is less noticeable. Promise you'll get some sleep, too?" She slipped her index and middle fingers under his hand and wrapped them partially around his pinky.

"I will. I've got a few hours until his next feeding." He saw Casey pull up and turned to face Olivia. He leaned in and kissed her fully on the lips. He pulled away as Casey jogged around to open the door.

"Hey. Good timing. Ready, Liv?" Casey held open the door and stepped aside to let her in.

"I guess. Thanks for coming, Case." Olivia gave Elliot a quick peck on the cheek and got in the car. She grabbed her seat belt and pulled it across her as he shut the door. She returned his wave and mouthed that she loved him. She leaned her head back on the headrest and closed her eyes. Emotionally and physically, she was spent.

ooo

Casey slowly opened the door and poked her head in. It hadn't taken Olivia long to fall asleep in the car. She'd hated to wake her but there was no other way to get her inside. Twenty minutes later, Olivia had been dead to the world. It had been four hours since the detective had fallen asleep. She made her way to the bed and gently nudged her friend. Instantly, Olivia shot out of bed.

"What? What is it?" Olivia sat up in bed, disoriented.

"I didn't mean to scare you. I wanted to have you take some more medicine. I'm so sorry, Olivia!" Casey laid a hand on her friend's trembling shoulder.

"Elliot hasn't called? Everything's okay?" Olivia took a few deep breaths, willing her racing heart to beat at a slower rate.

"Zane is doing fine. Elliot called about an hour ago after the feeding." Casey poured out a couple of the pills from each bottle and handed them to Olivia, along with a tepid glass of water.

"Good. Yeah, that's good." Olivia downed the pills and set the glass down. She placed a hand over her sore abdomen. The rapid movement from waking up hadn't helped things.

"Are you okay? I really am sorry. I wasn't thinking." Casey stepped back so Olivia could swing her legs over the side of the bed and held her arm out so she could rise up.

"No, it's okay. I just…I guess I'm on overload. I panicked." Olivia walked slowly to the door and down the hall.

"Do you want anything to eat? I've got some soup. You really should eat something with your medication. You do look like you're feeling better, by the way." Casey cleared the couch off and grabbed an accent pillow from beside the coffee table so Olivia could sit up.

"I think I just overdid it. They said I could come back up tomorrow if everything goes well. I can't be up there for twenty-four hours. And soup is fine. I really appreciate this, Casey. You don't know how much this means to me." With Casey's help, Olivia eased down onto the couch.

"Okay. Well, here's the remote. Holler if you need anything." Casey went about making the soup. She wasn't much of a cook, but soup was the one thing she had mastered. She'd spent many nights studying for exams and it was the only thing her stomach could handle. She watched the water and used the time to try to think of something to keep Olivia occupied.


	13. Back

Elliot was fuming. He'd stepped into the family room to sleep for a few hours and had to resist the strong urge to choke someone. The moment he saw his son, something inside him nearly snapped. He shook his head and stood there. He had to tell Olivia. He had to prepare her. Sighing, he turned back around and left the room.

"Yeah?" Casey mumbled into the receiver. It was approaching seven o'clock and she was exhausted.

"Casey, it's me. Is Liv up?" Elliot sat down on the chair and strained to hear over the cartoon that was blasting from the television behind him.

"Let me check. I don't think it matters if she isn't. She'll kill me if I didn't tell her you called." Casey made her way down the hall and found Olivia curled up on the couch. The remote rested in her loose grip and threatened to fall to the floor. She must have gotten up sometime during the night. Whatever the case, she seemed to have fallen back asleep.

"I'm up." Olivia's head rose slowly upon hearing Casey's voice. The phone had woken her up and she'd dozed lightly in case it was for her.

"Here she is." Casey handed the phone over and nodded when Olivia thanked her.

"Hey. How'd you sleep?" Elliot wished he'd turned the television off before he'd called. In her sleepy state, he could barely hear his wife.

"Mmm…okay. Did you get any?" Olivia heard Elliot's tired voice and felt her forehead.

"I did. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I finally gave up around four and got a few hours in. Our favorite nurse worked last night." He scowled as he pictured Jane in a black cloak and horns atop her dingy, grey hair.

"I feel a lot better. I'll come up in a couple hours. I'll see if Casey can drive me up there." She used the arm of the chair as leverage and stood.

"Why don't I pick you up? Zane is due for a feeding soon. I'll stick around for that. Then I'll head out. It'll give you time to get ready. Do you feel up to getting some breakfast?" He glanced up from the phone and frowned when he caught what was on. He didn't understand the shows kids were into these days.

"Can we eat on the way? I really just want to get back up there." She padded into the bathroom and studied her reflection. She could get by with a quick comb-through with her hands.

"Sure. I'll pick something up. I'm going to stop by the house first and grab a shower. Do you need me to get you some more clothes?" Elliot added up the time it would take to get everything done in his head.

"Oh, could you? Can you grab my blue sweats? Not the elastic ones but the ones with the drawstring. Any shirt is fine but the hospital is cold so if you could grab a hooded sweatshirt or something, that would be better than a jacket. I should have some new bras in a bag on the floor by the dresser, along with some panties. If you could grab those, too. Oh, I need some pads. They're under the sink in the pink wrapper. I think that's it." She tried to think of anything else she'd need, knowing Elliot might forget half of what she'd asked for.

"I should have brought my notepad. I'm apologizing in advance in case I forget something." Elliot heard the television click off and mouthed his appreciation to a tired-looking parent. He held up a finger and turned back to the phone.

"Okay. Please remember the pads. I have a couple in my purse but I need some more to take with me. Thank you, honey." Olivia stood outside Casey's door and tapped her foot. She forgot to ask for socks.

"You're welcome. If you think of anything else, I should be home in about an hour. I'm going to go, okay? Tell Casey thanks again." Elliot studied the grooves that had been etched in the table.

"I will. Love you." She smiled when he returned the sentiment.

ooo

Olivia sat on the porch anxiously. When she saw Elliot coming, she smiled warmly. She waited while he came around to help her stand up.

"Hey. Where's Casey?" Elliot squatted next to his wife and rose slowly while holding onto her from behind. He gave her a quick peck on the cheek and ushered her into the car.

"Upstairs. I told her I'd be fine. I've only been waiting a few minutes. I missed you." Olivia waited for him to get in and shut the door. She never thought she'd be so glad to be in his car.

"It was lonely last night without you there. I got you a muffin and some juice." Elliot handed her the bag from the back seat and watched her rifle through it.

"Thanks. How's he doing?" She downed a third of her the orange juice and wiped her mouth before unwrapping her muffin.

"He's doing better today. He was awake earlier but he fell asleep before I left. He's getting squirmy and they had to move his IV. I wanted to tell you before you saw him." He saw the anger radiating from every pour in her body.

"I thought she was going to tell us first. We specifically asked her to talk to us first. It's like she just waits for us to leave. I knew that would happen. I knew it!" She grabbed her muffin and stuffed a big bite into her mouth. Her elbow hit the juice bottle, nearly sending it to the floor.

"I just wanted you to be ready. Maybe it'll be easier to hold him now." He took a swig of coffee and made room for her bottle so she didn't have to hold it on the seat.

"Did you get to change him again?" She remembered the joy in Elliot's voice when he'd been allowed to change Zane the first time.

"No. I watched, though. He peed on Jane's arm. Gotta' work on that aim." He laughed at her expression.

"Are you kidding? He probably planned it that way. Serves her right." She mumbled under her breath and finished up her muffin.

"Maureen was over at the house yesterday. She stuck a CD in with the mail." Elliot held onto the wheel with one hand and turned the CD player on with the other. He turned up the volume and switched to the track that sounded the most familiar.

"Can I see the case?" Olivia started the song over and sniffed after the first few lines.

"Glove box. Happy tears?" Elliot leaned in to see her face. Seeing her nod, he reached over with his free hand and got the case out so she could read along. He turned his attention back to the road and waited for the light to change.

"I like it. I'll have to call her and thank her." She followed along and smiled when she got to the second verse.

"My favorite part. Reminds me of the hospital. It scares the heck out of me to see him and know he needs me so much. I hate leaving him." Elliot wiped a tear from his eye and cleared his throat.

"He knows his daddy. That's why he woke up, honey. I'll get you another magazine to read when we get up there. You boys can bond." Olivia leaned over and kissed the corner of his mouth. She could taste the salt of his tears and wiped them away with her thumb.

"How…I forgot that was even there. I love you so much baby. Thank you for our son. I never thought I'd have enough love to go around when Kathy was pregnant with the twins. When I found out you were pregnant, I was so nervous. I couldn't love our son more." He smiled as the song ended.

"I love you. You're a good father. You're a good husband. You know, your contribution helped, too." She winked and nudged him in the ribs.

"You're crazy. But you're my crazy wife. Let's go see our little man." He pulled into the lot and intertwined his hand with hers as they slowly made their way across the street. He wrapped his arm around her and ran a hand through her hair. He couldn't wait to get back in there.

When they reached the right area, they quickly signed in and sanitized their hands. Olivia's pace quickened when she saw Zane. She held a hand to her mouth at the sight. The IV bothered her, but it was the pacifier that made her weak in the knees. She sighed, feeling broken.

"They did that yesterday, too. They said he was fussy and they had to tend to the other babies." He massaged her shoulders and pulled her closer to rest against his chest.

"That's no excuse. Babies cry for a reason. Why would they do that?" Olivia peered down at Zane in shock. His pacifier was stuck into his mouth by a blue suction. The suction had been turned around and inserted into the hole on the back of the pacifier, effectively keeping it in place.

"We're here now, honey. Sit down, okay?" He led her to a rocker that had been parked next to the monitor.

"What a cruel, horrible lady. Unbelievable." Olivia crossed her arms defiantly. She was so glad the nurse was off duty.

"I love you." Elliot tucked away an unruly strand of hair and kissed her temple.

"Love you, too. Any news on his test results?" She sat in the rocker, all the while hating the fact that her son wasn't in her arms. She glanced around, and grabbed some gloves from a box lying nearby. Carefully, she opened the door. She gently pried the suction away from the pacifier, so that Zane could spit it out if he didn't want it. She stroked his cheek, soothingly, before closing the door once again.

"I think today sometime." He kept a hand on her shoulder, admiring the protective role she was taking for her son.

"Good. That's good." She held his gaze before focusing back on Zane.

"You feeling okay?" Elliot wanted her to tell the truth. He hoped she would.

"I'm fine, really. I took something before I left. I've got them in my purse." She kissed him softly and tossed her gloves away.

"I wish I was able to get that much sleep." The doctor came up behind them and smiled.

"You and me both. Any news on our son?" Elliot shook the doctor's hand and helped Olivia to stand.

"That's why I'm here. Everything looks good. The initial X-Ray we were given showed a small spot on both lungs. We see that occasionally when all of the amniotic fluid isn't removed. We've been treating him for pneumonia, but we wanted to be certain that's all we were dealing with. I explained that to your husband after your son was brought over. At any rate, everything looks to be progressing as we expected. He's responding to the treatments quite well. Moving forward, I expect him to continue to improve. Mom, would you like to hold your son?" He saw her eyes water as she nodded.

"I think she's a little choked up. She was feeling a bit under the weather and had to leave. She hasn't spent much time with him." Elliot patted her knee and smiled, reassuringly.

"Then I won't keep you any longer. I just wanted to give you an update. Mary will be over shortly. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. I just got here, so I'll be here for the next eighteen hours or so. Take care." He clapped Elliot on the shoulder and gave a slight wave to Olivia as he went on his way.

"Hey, it's okay." Elliot saw the fresh tears cascading down Olivia's face and held her face gently to his.

"I know. I just…I really needed to hear that today. I needed to know he's okay." She let out a shaky breath and whimpered. The events had caught up with her upon the doctor's news, and she couldn't help the release of emotions.

"Let it out, baby." He rubbed her back in a smoothing motion and rocking her from side-to-side, giving her the peace she'd been denied since they'd gotten the news.


	14. Gifts

A/N: I'm so sorry for not posting in such a long time. I just finished school and graduated. In addition, I'm moving to NJ and our apartment fell through. Consequently, we're scrambling to find another one in three weeks. Oh, and I need a job as well. The whole graduating and finding a job thing is not working. But enough with my excuses. Here's the final installment of In My Arms. I hope you enjoyed the ride. I know I did! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Elliot woke from his slumber. He blinked a few times and glanced around the room to get his bearings. Unsure of why he was awake in the first place, he turned his head to face the other side of the bed. Through bleary eyes, he saw that it was empty. He patted the spot, noting the cooling temperature of the sheets where Olivia usually slept.

The lack of light coming through the window indicated it was still dark outside and the sun had yet to rise for the day. He winced as his knees popped and padded to the door. Slowly, he made his way down the hall. The night light created a soft glow, allowing him to make his trek without tripping or stubbing his toe.

He heard the sniffling, the blowing of the nose and quickened his pace just a little. He wasn't sure what he'd do once he reached the source of the silent sobbing. He just knew he had to get there, because at some point in the night, his wife had left the comfort of their bed to cry alone in the family room.

He passed the thermostat and glanced quickly. A cold front had passed the previous night, and they had yet to adjust the heat accordingly. He walked around the sofa and slowed his steps once again as he reached out to touch her shoulder.

Olivia jumped. Her neck popped as her body jerked to find the cause for her rapidly beating heart. She began wiping her eyes feverishly before stopping to catch the book that began to fall to the floor.

"I'm sorry." Elliot came around to sit beside her and gently took the object from her hands.

"Why aren't you in bed?" Olivia brought her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees. She leaned into his embrace as she felt the throw being placed around her shoulders.

"I noticed you weren't there and I got worried. Honey, what are you doing out here? You should have gotten me if you were upset." He briskly ran his free hand up and down her arm to create warmth.

"I didn't want to wake you. I got up and couldn't get back to sleep and I guess I started to think about stuff." She glanced toward the book that rested on Elliot's lap. It was still open to the page she'd been looking at when the waterworks began. It had remained open to that one spot.

"I wish you would have woken me up. It seems like so long ago, doesn't it?" He nodded toward the picture adorning the page. The photo was a picture of Olivia wearing a pale yellow gown and in her arms was their son. The IV the nurse had inserted into his head stood out and all that could be seen was a little patch of dark hair and the wiring coming from the crown of Zane's head.

"Yeah. He was so small." A fresh round of tears made their way down he paleness of her face. She did not attempt to wipe them away.

"Remember how they kept moving the date? I thought you were going to wring their necks; every one of them." Elliot chuckled and turned the page, even though he knew there were no more.

"I almost did. I just wanted to take him home." She reached over Elliot and grabbed a tissue from the box. She dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose before letting the wadded up ball fall to the floor next to the others.

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" He closed the album and set it on the coffee table before spreading out next to her. He rested his weight on her and nuzzled his nose into her neck. Softly, he planted a kiss on her temple.

"I don't know. I'm up now. I've just had so much on my mind lately. I was waiting for the right time to tell you." Olivia took a few calming breaths and turned to face him on the couch. She saw his bewildered expression and frowned. In her head, the words had come out perfectly and were well-delivered.

"What is it you need to tell me?" He placed her hands in his and held firmly, giving her something to anchor herself.

"I…I've been really stressed lately with meeting Bill again and finally coming into terms with the fact that my mother hid my existence from everyone she worked with. I don't know why, and I don't have a choice but to accept that and move on. For us. So, I thought maybe that was it but it wasn't. Then another month went by and I th…" She abruptly stopped when Elliot's hand was placed firmly over her mouth.

"Liv, take a breath and just tell me what it is. You're getting yourself all worked up." He gave her a peck on the lips and saw her visibly relax as he stared into her eyes. He hoped to convey the utmost amount of love so that she could get through whatever she was trying to work out.

"I'm pregnant. I must have missed a pill or something. That's the only thing I can think of. I'm sorry." She sucked in a breath and held it, anxiously.

"Is that why you were so upset? Did you really think I'd be mad?" Elliot shook his head and tried not to appear angry.

"I…kind of. I don't know. I just know that it's a shock and we weren't really trying for another one. After Zane, I don't know if I can handle it. Not again. It killed me, Elliot." Her voice shook and began to squeak as she spoke.

"Oh, honey. There wasn't a thing you or I could have done to prevent what happened to him. They couldn't get all the fluid from his lungs when he was born and he got pneumonia, as a result. It happens. There isn't anything in our biological make up that says anything is going to happen to this baby." He tapped her stomach lightly with his fingertips.

"How can you be so sure?" Her bottom lip trembled and she turned her head away, only to have it be directed again toward her husband.

"Everything will be fine. You know, I had four healthy children with Kathy. They all turned out fine." Elliot pulled her onto his lap and leaned against the corner of the couch. He ran his fingers over the knuckles of her right hand.

"I just worry. I don't want to do anything wrong. That's why I waited to tell you. I wanted to make sure I had everything taken care of. Seeing my mom's ex helped a lot." She remembered when he got off the bus. The moment he saw her, his eyes flashed with that same smile she could still recall.

"He loved you. He kept saying how good of a kid you were. He always wondered what happened with you and your mother. It was good meeting the man that was able to make you happy as a child; even for a little while." He saw her nod and let out a breath he'd been holding ever since he'd heard hear crying.

"You know, I tried so hard to wrap my brain around everything. I struggled so much with the idea that I'd been a secret all that time. Then I realized one day that it didn't matter. I had this gentle soul that took me under his wing for a couple weeks and showed me what real love was. Those are the memories that I hold onto, and they get me through when I start to think about the ones that aren't as pleasant." She sighed and closed her eyes.

"I got his number and address. He said we can visit whenever we want." He felt her weight settle onto him fully and listened as her breathing began to even out.

"Mm...hmm…" She felt his arm wrap around her midsection and hover over the baby.

"You'll have to catch up on sleep later on, honey." Elliot let out a laugh as he heard the slap of the bare feet on the floor. He tapped her leg and repositioned her so that she was sitting between his legs.

"Mommy!" He rounded the corner, his voice hoarse from having not been used all night.

"Right here, sweetie. Mommy and daddy are here on the couch." She smiled as her pajama-clad son came into view.

"You're up early. You were ready for your presents, weren't you, buddy?" Elliot swatted his son playfully on his bottom and used the arm of the couch as leverage to rise up. He tossed the blanket onto the couch and waited while Olivia stretched, before joining their son at the tree.

"I forgot the batteries." She mumbled into Elliot's neck, not wanting him to hear.

"I've got some in the junk drawer. Bought some last week." Elliot grinned at his son and nodded, who was staring at them expectedly.

"Guess he's ready to tear into those, huh? Where's the camera?" She sat on the floor next to her son and began fussing with his unruly hair when he promptly scooted over to sit in front of her.

"Can I open a pwesent?" Zane began bouncing impatiently from his place on the floor, sparking a fit of laughter from Elliot.

"Yeah, can he open a pwesent, daddy?" Olivia chuckled as Elliot tightened the strap around his hand.

"Oh, I guess." Elliot gave an exaggerated eye roll.

"Feels like he was just opening up his birthday presents." Olivia reached up and removed the lens cap from the camera as Elliot crouched down to begin recording.

"I know. Kid's going to break us. Can't wait for the tax money to come." He pushed the red button and looked through the viewfinder as Zane excitedly began ripping off the paper covering.

"There goes all your hard work, dad." She gave the little boy her full attention as, one-by-one, he unwrapped them.

"They put it in this weird box. How the hell am I supposed to cover that hole?" The camera shook, and he turned the camera off to look at Olivia with confusion.

"Language, El." She smacked him on the arm again, playfully.

"I forgot. I'm just saying…" He raised the camera again to catch the revealing of the action figure their son had so desperately wanted.

"Just watch your son; and be quiet. You know, every time we watch this we're going to hear you cursing into the microphone." She spoke in hushed tones so the camera could pick up the little boy's squeals.

"You're forgetting about last week. Don't think I didn't hear you swearing like a sailor." Elliot lowered the camera as Zane reached under the tree for another present.

"Oh, hush. You would too if you stepped on a Hot Wheel." She peered around Zane to see what he was trying to get at.

"Oh, he's going for the big one. Make him open the others, first." Elliot smiled and turned the camera on once more as Olivia crawled over to the tree and grabbed the two little feet sticking out from under the bottom branches.

"I got you!" Olivia turned her son over and began tickling him.

"Mommy, no!" Zane giggled before pouncing on her. They each rolled on the floor until they were out of breath.

"Mommy's getting too old for that. Gotta rest a bit. Here, open this one." Olivia panted and tossed the small box to her son.

"Should be used to wrestling around, baby. You know, that's how this little guy was made." Elliot laid the camera down and nudged her with his elbow.

"Elliot! The camera is still on. You just…I cannot believe you did that!" Olivia felt her cheeks redden and groaned.

"It is not. I turned it off just…oh shit!" Elliot pressed the button and saw the green light go out, an indication the camera had shut off.

"Great, now we're never going to be able to show this tape!" Olivia crossed her arms, the moment ruined.

"Oh, come on. We'll just re-wrap the ones he's opened and start over." Elliot tried not to laugh but the smile broke through. Olivia wasn't impressed.

"I can't believe you." Olivia huffed and scooted closer to the tree.

"I'm sorry. Look, he's having a blast. Don't let it ruin our Christmas. Maybe we can take it to one of those production places. We'll have them put some music in there or something." Elliot gave his wife one of his infamous grins.

"You'd better. You and your dirty mind." Olivia couldn't help but smile and gave up being mad all together. She'd never been able to stay mad at him long.

"Love you." He handed Olivia the camera and shooed Zane to the side so that he could pull out last, remaining box.

"Love you, too. What'd you get, Zane?" Olivia spoke up and held her arm steady as her son proudly displayed all of the toys he'd gotten thus far.

Olivia's mind wandered as she thought about his birth. There wasn't a day that went by since then that she didn't say a prayer of thanks that they'd gotten the chance to see their son grow up. She smiled at the frame on the end table. The picture had been taken the night after their son was brought home from the hospital. Olivia had yet to finish the album and Elliot had specifically asked that he keep that one out to be framed. They had boxes full of pictures, but that one stood out the most in their minds. It reminded them of how far they'd come in those four years.

Elliot joined his wife once again and wrapped an arm around her. He watched in awe as the last present was revealed. A few years before, he'd sat there in the rocker with the same amazement at how things turned out. As the little bundle squirmed and fussed, he'd begged his son to hold out a little more so Olivia could get some much-needed sleep. All the while, he thought of the many things he needed to do; the things he needed to be. He'd never felt more determined to get it right this time around. He had a wife and son counting on him.

He felt a cool hand slip into his and was broken from his thoughts. His eyes traveled down her nightgown and settled onto her stomach. He had another little one that needed him as well. There on the living room floor, among the wrapping paper and bows were his life. He drew his son up into his arms and embraced his family. His eyes grew misty and he wiped away the moisture that had collected.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and his son a slobbery kiss, which earned him another giggling fit. He had to smile at his fortune. He couldn't wait for the baby to arrive.


End file.
